tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52951384272782500352024-03-13T19:20:53.043-04:00Dirt Road PonderingsI guess it's about life on a dirt road, where things get dusty sometimes, pot holes develop randomly, trees hug the banks, leaves carpet the shoulders and things move a little slower.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.comBlogger174125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-16887752157651910392009-04-06T21:07:00.004-04:002009-04-06T21:27:02.722-04:00Half-remembered Wisdoms<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bSziTy2mxKE/Sdqr2uM6qTI/AAAAAAAAAPw/ySwdgJJ_l8E/s1600-h/spring!!+008.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5321754866295154994" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bSziTy2mxKE/Sdqr2uM6qTI/AAAAAAAAAPw/ySwdgJJ_l8E/s320/spring!!+008.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>My cat, Banjo is getting a bit long in the tooth. Don't get me wrong...she walks the walk and talks the talk and looks good for her age and acts like a young chick until you peeve her. She's just closing in on 10 years oldish and she's slowing down a bit here and there. I adopted a young fella about one and a half years ago, named him Magi. He is a fit! Oh my gosh...so much energy, play, aggression, force of personality...and he's gorgeous! Long apricot hair and big green eyes...it doesn't get much more handsome than Magpie (my nickname for him). I didn't know if she would love him or not...I hoped she would, but he was in a sad state and needed a home, so I took my chances.<br /><br />I think they get along. At times I thought she fancied him. And now and then, I think she barely tolerates him at all. So, about 6 months ago, an old tom cat starts coming around the place. At first he's mean, taking food being a monster. And at some point, a few months back, I think he decided to be part of the family. HIs whole demeanor changed and he started hanging back to let the other cats eat, even let them beat up on him sometimes. Looks pitifully at me like he wants me to include him in my kitty conversations or pet him, love him a bit here and there. I don't...I feel like we walk that narrow line where if he gets me, he'll be mean to them again. So no me, and the balance seems to remain intact. Now, we have three bowls for food outside and each bowl gets food twice a day. I don't run him off, although the spotted dog would.<br /><br />And one day, I noticed Banjo touching noses with him! A love affair? I am uncertain. But, he has defended her on a couple occasions against the bruiser play of the Magpie. They lay together on the red blanket sometimes and today, they both came back with burrs! Scandal, I surmise.<br /><br />It just goes to prove that love is an unexplainable occurance. And just as I wonder how we form those attractions in life -what are they based on? Some chemical shift? The caught eye? The pheremone scents we detect but don't know about? I'm not sure. God knows I have questioned my own crushes of late. Thinking I was on the right track, and then thinking I've been so mislead (by me, not someone else). I wonder if someone is out there for all of us? And I think about the scarred up tomcat that replaced my apricot beauty in the heart of fair Banjo.<br /><br />And I know, that no matter how you try to plan for it, you just never know when the right cat will come along....</div>khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-21495391968840916852009-04-02T21:32:00.003-04:002009-04-02T21:43:11.980-04:00Ain't No Lovewhat I keep listening to over and over is this song by DAvid Gray. Who, I believe is marvelous. Years ago, my friend Tracy turned me on to him and ever since I have been loving the words that come out of his mouth, the melodies that accompany his genius.<br /><br />"Some days I'm bursting at the seams with all my half remembered dreams,<br />and then it shoots me down again.<br />....<br />This ain't no love that's guiding me."<br /><br />It makes me think about how many times in a day I veer off path. If the path is love, I don't always choose it. I want it, dream about it, think for hours about it, but do not follow it's lesson - the nuances of being open to everything, everyone, all there is. I live in fear too often and even when I think my goal is clear...I am lost anyway.<br /><br />No, there ain't no love guiding me.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-70821256481223284662009-03-27T19:24:00.002-04:002009-03-27T19:33:25.271-04:00Funkytown"Won't you take me to...Funkytown?"<br /><br />Trust me when I say that the funk I have been in for the past few days, you don't want to visit. Even though the place sounds kinda kinky kool...it was the pits. And I am slithering out as any slimey thing does when tossed off its feet and forced to move without limbs. I am trying to plow through my 1.5 liters of water...and I realize that I don't drink as much as I used to. The good stuff I mean, just liquids. But, I have a headache and the books say drink water...so I am. And that is good. But, difficult. I"m thirsty but not that thirsty.<br /><br />I am just one of those souls that swims merrily along until I hit a jag and then I go diving into the deepest pit and feel like everything is over, even when it's just Thursday and the world seems to be plugging along. I don't weather it well when I fall off the jolly wagon. And I was a mess yesterday. Today I am better in the sense that I either want to cry or slap someone. So, just a tad bit emotional. Not normally an overly emotional person. Sensitive yes...emotional no. But yesterday, I was like a spigot and today I am either that or a bit combustive. <br /><br />Isn't it funny how we can't always be who we want to be no matter how hard we try? And isn't it odd how the good of life so necessarily needs the bad? I'm still messy...but it's definitely a better day. Tomorrow, possibly the best one yet (see there's a little hope for you :)khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-60950466259174377372009-03-24T20:58:00.004-04:002009-03-24T21:10:23.691-04:00Mechanic(s)How do I write a love letter to you?<br /><br />When you don't see me. Won't know me. Look so far into me that I can't breathe. Hesitate by the doorway waiting for me to say something perfect. Imperfect. God, I don't know.<br /><br />Why do I feel like I know you when I don't know you? And why does it feel like home when you are close to me, yet we are just becoming friends?<br /><br />What are you thinking, calm cool collected? Why are you watching sunsets without me? Do you know how much I want to know the things about you? Not everything. Not ever everything. Just some things. Something insignificant that not many others know. Something elementary like the way your heart sounds against my ear.<br /><br />This is so hard. So difficult. And sometimes you look at me and I see it. You. A stray thought about this or that connecting thread. Other times, you just don't look and I can't understand how you stay away.<br /><br />It's not love. It's not love. But, it's something real anyway. And I can't figure it out without you.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-29319620685116076782009-01-03T19:37:00.001-05:002009-01-03T19:40:38.283-05:00Two Favorite things I've heard in the past 24 hours1. from the movie "Beauty Shop" with Queen Latifah<br /><br />Queen: "Do these jeans make my butt look big?"<br />Daughter: "Yes, mama, they do"<br />Queen: "Gooooooooood!"<br /><br />2. on the phone with my friend Kari who believes that one should never shop outside high end department stores<br /><br />Me: 'I got three pairs of shoes with my Cato gift card. They were $8 each!!!'<br />Kari: "Are...they...(hesitation stop)..........................cute?"khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-60860303692573813332009-01-03T18:50:00.002-05:002009-01-03T18:58:15.816-05:00PolentaOne of my favorite things to make is polenta. If you've never tried it, I believe it's in the grain family...sortof like a grit cake and you slice it...well, I slice it and put it in a baby amount of oil and brown it on both sides. Once it is browned, I put a little wedge of goat cheese on top of one round and then put a round on top of that...like a goat cheese/polenta oreo of sorts. Once this flavor combination meshes, I add some tomato sauce and have a wonderful, not too terrible for me meal. My friend Angie and I made this once for Christmas eve dinner...she the vegetarian came up with the fabulous recipe and I have loved it ever since then. Of course, I added a Prince Michel Merlot and some cracked Italian ripe olives (cracked open, not crazy:) to round off my dinner offering. I love it and feel full afterwards, but not too full. <br /><br />My point with Polenta is this...it is so very bland by itself that I don't think anyone would bother with it. But, if you add the right stuff, it becomes a splendid meal. After the New Year, I am feeling flat - which is way better than under the tire and not quite as good as giddy. What I am learning is that this new lease on life...the suspended notion of magic, can be seasoned to resemble something close to it. Whatever I believe or don't believe, the world spins on and not carelessy necessarily. Probably carefully as it has forever. My stepping off onto a new path will not disrupt the universe as we know it. It will not stop the magic. It might only save my heart.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-50664206612114768602008-12-31T11:34:00.002-05:002008-12-31T11:44:32.596-05:00New Year comingWell, I've almost made it through another holiday without committing suicide. And if you think I am being flip here and making fun of something most serious...I assure you that I am not. It is a constant thought throughout the holidays and I do everything but tie myself down to keep it from happening. There are many people that would be confused about it for years, forever and I can't do that to them. It's also a terribly selfish act and I can't imagine going out that way. I want something natural to happen, it's just not occurring soon enough. <br /><br />And here's the problem with me...I am a believer. I believe in magic. And I have NOT had a life that is conducive to that notion. If anything, I have had a life that would lead one to believe there's nothing to this world, or energy or existence. Instead, by some unknown benefactor, I got this belief in good, and hope and magic. But, here's the thing...it doesn't ever work out for me. Not ever. And so, as I packed up my Christmas decorations (why am I doing this to be like every other sweet family in the country, while I most certainly am not) I decided to become a non-believer. And at the same time realized that I would not know myself at all that way. But, is that a very bad thing? <br /><br />I'm tired of being heartbroken. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of not waiting, just working my ass off to make it happen. I'm tired of thinking it will happen if I am enough. I'm never going to be enough. <br /><br />I suppose that a non-believer lives a pretty flat life. Knowing only that the road is there, but not whether it might rise up to greet you. Knowing the moon is full, but not that some spirit lives there smiling down on us. Seeing that the grass is green, but not listening for its whisper of springtime or passing crowds of ants and bugs. I suppose that a non-believer just doesn't believe and only knows what's right there. And a non-believer doesn't live in her head, but just with what is right there. No possibility, but rather probability to the negative sort.<br /><br />All this makes me sad of course. I don't know how to live this way. But, I think I am going to find out. YOu might even consider me resolved to it.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-21363907912787500922008-12-11T19:53:00.002-05:002008-12-11T20:01:35.841-05:00It's December!It's almost Christmas and I just planned a trip to Vegas. January is really the only month that I can travel now that I'll be travelling for work most of the year. It's been a seven day work week and I am bombed...so tired that everything looks muddy. Well, the rain isn't helping. But, we need it...and I'm all for it. But, my mood is bleak. <br /><br />I decided on the holiday wish. The one I do every year. It's kindof funny how it happens. Each year around October, I plant the seed of Christmas wish. If I have had a difficult, hard, teary-eyed year, then the idea that brings me peace, hope, solace is the one I will choose. However, if I have had a decent year, meaning I worked hard at change and feel like I kicked old habit's butt...then I choose what scares me most. So, October went by and the only nudge of an idea I got was "love". (Not surprising I am sure.) But, I thought that I wished for love three years ago and my dog died, and I found love and acceptance around me. So, I know I have love. What do I really want? So, that narrowed it a bit, and what came next was "romantic love" and that felt like hearts and butterflies...not scary really at all. So, I sat with that for a bit. And what came next made my stomach clench it was so scary. <br /><br />Intimacy. <br /><br />And when I shared this with my spiritual group...the men of course went into every sex innuendo they could muster. But, I don't mean that. I mean I do, but I don't. I mean feeling safe with someone knowing me in a lot of ways rather than just the ones that I allow. I don't feel safe with people in general, men in specific. So, usually relationships get one part of me. The physical girl or the mental one. I want all of it. It terrifies me. <br /><br />It's my Christmas wish. <br /><br />Let the chips fall where they may. When I choose scary, I usually get it in big heart wrenching ways. I think I can handle it. I hope so.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-30654591146865901282008-11-27T17:31:00.002-05:002008-11-27T17:38:00.950-05:00Happy Thanksgiving!Well...you know how I am about fortune cookies. And it's the holidays, so I am especially devastated. I know, I know...do something about it. However, my do-something button is out of whack this year. So, I woke up and cried. Then, I cooked. I ate. I washed dishes. I took comfort in the fact that other people were having to wash way more dishes than me. Then, I walked the dog and now I am getting ready to head to the town of Mayberry to watch OO7 with Angela and Brack. I was invited other places, I don't want you to think that I don't have absolutely fabulous people in my life. But, I just want my own person..you know? And I am tired of not having that...and I know I will feel more lonely in the crowd of someone's family stuff than I do being right here. But, I still feel pretty crummy. And thank God Daniel Craig is so gorgeous that he will make me forget everything but his hotness for two hours. Brack may kill us...Angela and I went on our own last year and I think we both gasped at all the same parts. <br /><br />Anyway...you want to know, don't you? I passed the cabinet and thought that I am just a tiny bit hungry and since there was no pie in this place today...it is my sweet tooth that came calling. So, I opened the cabinet and there sat the bright pink box and I thought, what the hell? I'll see what it has to say. So, I chose the cookie on top, pulled out the little white slip, and this is what it said...<br /><br /> You have so much to be thankful for. <br /><br />Right here on Thanksgiving day. It's that kinda thing that makes me believe in magic.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-18318569767032071612008-10-05T15:28:00.002-04:002008-10-05T15:35:05.705-04:00AgainI am.<br /><br />The thing is that what passes for okay really isn't. <br /><br />So, there are times when I don't know what is happening.<br /><br />Times when it seems like God is throwing me curve balls...one, two, ten all at the same time.<br /><br />I feel settled and unsettled. <br /><br />Yesterday I had a moment. At Walmart. Complete chaos...cars, people, children, tents, buggies, strollers, craziness. And I walked out into it and it all stopped for one moment and it was like a got a push on my left side. NOt a rough push (and there wasn't a push) but a nudge that said "look this way!!" and so I did. And there he was...in a town that isn't our town. And how I saw him in all that, I just don't know. <br /><br />But, the nudge is what interests me. Where does that come from? I believe it's energy...but is it my energy tuned into him and therefore engaging me? Or is it our energy bumping into each other and saying "wake up!"<br /><br />I know it all sounds crazy. But, I get settled into an idea and then something like this happens and I get all unsettled again. <br /><br />It shouldn't, but it does. <br /><br />Who is he in my stupid life anyway? Here for what reason or duration? I just don't know and I want to know. <br /><br />Then, again, they say that you can find everything at Walmart.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-35614766174884977092008-09-14T14:46:00.003-04:002008-09-14T15:00:20.789-04:00PastoralI found my jive again. Which is to say that I feel better for the time being. Someone said to me today that we all have our afflictions and that mine seemed to be a social compulsion to think that I can never do enough to deserve relationships with people (not necessarily men...any kind of relationship). And I can buy this about myself. And she went on to say that this is incurable. Which of course, being the growth junkie, I find a difficult thing to swallow. <br /><br />It's humid here...and we walk and are wet. Although it isn't so hot. It's just steamy. Of course, I won't even talk about my hair...it is a moist mad froth. And since I consider it possibly my only redeeming feature, I HATE THIS. <br /><br />I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. My mind skipping here and there. I heard a word a couple days ago-Surrender. This word could carry shame, but it doesn't for me. It isn't about losing the battle. It is about giving up before you are defeated. It is about keeping your self-respect. It is about letting go of the fight against impossible odds. It is about giving in to grace. And about harmony in knowing you've handed your wrath to a higher power. <br /><br />But, it still feels frightening to me. It recommends vulnerability. And I stink at that. <br /><br />I went to see The Women on Friday night with a group of women (who are amazing and work their hearts out for pet rescues in NC) that I don't hang out with a lot. Which is to say that I know not so much about them, but like what they are about and enjoy my time with them when it happens. After the movie, we were all talking and one of them mentioned a scene in the movie where two friends are angry with one another, then funny and finally crying together. And she said, "that pegs us" meaning the female race. And it isn't my experience. I hang with a different crowd. And that type of emotional outburst isn't really seen by me in the women relationships of my life. I think it is amazing that we are all so different and yet the same. I believe that women feel things, sense things and experience things in a way that no other living thing can. I think we are tuned in to a frequency that is life and we pick up on all the infinite possibility. <br /><br />This can make for confusion. There is too much to choose from sometimes. But, overall, I wouldn't want to be anyone else, anything else. And I am so thankful for all those women who beat the path for me and took the hard hits to do it. I am thankful for the women who go out every day and make a new path. I feel so blessed to be a woman.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-32350841810098291132008-09-11T20:49:00.002-04:002008-09-11T21:10:49.003-04:00The Austen TalesIt's the second Thursday of the month and that means it's the evening for Jane. Austen that is, the book club. Tonight was Pride and Prejudice. There were five of us and then six. We talked about Elizabeth and Jane, DArcy and Bingley, dreadful Collins and sweet practical Charlotte. We sat amongst every kind of book and ate tiny onion tarts and later Chocolate Expresso cheesecake. And to be honest, I dreaded going tonight. Because of this funk that is taking me over...slowly step by step. (I won't let it...don't worry!) It's just hopelessness, which seems to be a common acquaintance of mine in the past few months. It comes and goes. I go through some supportive conversations and then I feel great for a while, only to bottom out again and feel like, well hopeless. Anyway, it actually turned out good to be there. I felt disconnected on some level, but I almost always feel that way. The conversation was good. I love hearing other people's thoughts. I like the openness of the group...no one knows it all. We offer ideas and think them through. As with any conversation I am attracted to...there aren't straight answers. More like tiny test tubes of bubbling hypotheses that never become fact. That bubble always with the possibility of what isn't known. <br /><br />Why then do I live so frantically in not knowing at times? I mean, I adore it. But right now, I want to know...what happens next for me? Live my way into the answers (it's a magnet on my fridge)...forget about it! Is it age? It doesn't feel that way, but it could be. It feels like "dammit! stop jerking me around!!" That's what it feels like. That would be my God statement. And it might horrify some...but me and God have been pretty close for most of my life. So, I consider God my closest friend, and sometimes we argue. <br /><br />Was it better when life got arranged for you? When you only had a few options? I doubt it. But the muddy pool I've been dealing with lately makes any kind of certainty look appealing. I won't lie about it...I'm looking for a big fat arrow in the sky. Seems lofty, I reckon but if you're going to ask for answers, you may as well shoot for the moon while you're at it. It feels a little crazy, but that's got some energy to it. I'll take a jolt over apathy any day of the week. <br /><br />The only man I've ever dreamt of marrying was Mr. Darcy. And he would terrify me in real life.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-49792688580869979542008-09-10T20:26:00.003-04:002008-09-10T20:39:29.363-04:00Carved OutI love fall. I do. It's the sweet spot in the year for me. I bought the largest pumpkin that I've ever bought yesterday at the market in our tiny town. I paid $4.99, which I love! Last year they were expensive. I never bought one...and looked at them longingly in the fields on my way to and fro. I thought of Linus and sitting out there with them waiting for the Great Pumpkin...because I do believe.<br /><br />The word of the day has been patience. I have heard it in several sentences. Not always the actual word, but the thought, the idea. For me, patience is equal to and directly related to faith. And I have been "ye of little" for a long time now. I think it happened two years ago, when I finally got up the courage to ask for love in my annual Christmas wish, and two months later lost my dog. I was angry. And I never said it. I just questioned and questioned and questioned. And it began a cycle of questioning that I still live with every day. And I understand the substance of faith is about living without question. Believing in what will be and must happen and can come to pass. But, I felt robbed. And so I set up this pattern of no faith. Or some faith. The truth is that I am lost without it. We all are. But, me, I've lived that way. Through some horrible awful stuff, I marched on because I knew God had a plan for me, and I believed it would be the best plan. Now, I feel forgotten.<br /><br />I've got some soul-searching to do. And in the meantime, I need to make myself believe just for short instances that we all deserve a little goodness, a bit of reprieve, moments of peace and love...you and me. I'll just have to breathe into it, in out, until it brings some harmony to my chaos.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-51825066997255702142008-09-07T19:04:00.003-04:002008-09-07T19:17:12.608-04:00Tail lightThe dirt road smells of fox grapes. There are cows now to one side and the spotted dog wants so badly to give chase. So, we go zig-zagging down the road daily as big black cows watch us and probably chuckle to themselves. It isn't fair how gorgeous the day was considering how much havoc those hurricanes are causing. But, it was beautiful. And I skipped book club. We were going to talk about the favorite book of recent years (for me) Eat, Pray, Love. And I was so excited about that. But, a whole new crowd. And a "socialized" bunch...and I didn't feel like fitting in. I can. But, didn't want to. Less and less do I want to fit in to where I don't feel I fit. YOu know? I am less tolerant of the groups that cause me to work a lot for inclusion. This is a lovely group, I am sure. I just couldn't make myself do it. <br /><br />I realized on Saturday that I want to run from my life right now. I want to leave everything...this house on the dirt road, my job that I have loved, the people that surround me daily. I want the next evolution of my life so badly that I would consider leaving all this behind. And that is crazy. I mean, really. Or is it?khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-27435311252120996612008-09-03T22:03:00.003-04:002008-09-03T22:22:40.164-04:00SplinterA piece of wood caught me in the heel of my thumb a few days ago. Years ago, when I was a child, my dad would have gotten out his pocket knife and dug the splinter out as I shrieked in fear and uncertainty. Now, I am waiting for my body to push it out. Because it will. Foreign substance...it will get spit out of me at some point. I keep my eye on it...waiting.<br /><br />Same thing goes for this love bug I caught. I am waiting for my soul to spit it out. It's been such a difficult journey. Yes, there are a good many things to have come from it. But, my efforts have gone unrewarded and that stinks. There's no other way to say it. In time, could my crush come around? Yes, I suppose so. But, it's hurting me and I have to decide when to stop that. When to get the pocket knife and dig that ache out of me.<br /><br />Like the wood in my thumb, I wait for it to be purged by natural instincts. And maybe that will happen. I know the splinter will leave my thumb, because I have experienced this before. And I know that the infatuation will fade. Patiently, I look for progress in that direction. But, it seems like the more I watch, the more the piece of wood settles in-no longer puckered red, but seeming to be a part of me. Same as the crazy infatuation that travels each day with me. Not boiling over, and yet never steaming away to thin air.<br /><br />I'm learning to live with both of them in the interim. Or I think I must be. Sometimes it feels like I'm just breathing through it. And maybe that's the best I can hope for at the moment.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-11072653671946195522008-09-02T21:24:00.002-04:002008-09-02T21:30:48.126-04:00Mail CheckI've been chasing the moon tonight. I saw it as I was driving home from TND, and then I went out on foot to find it. But, it was hiding and I never did find it. The stars were good company. I am tempted to drive. Tempted to be Wild. Not yet at the driving stage (which is Wild-Stage Center), I am doing the next best thing...which is techno dance music as loud as I can stand it (or what won't encourage the neighbors to visit me). This is soothing because i love it...love to dance, love the beat, love the non-thinking that it brings about in me. <br /><br />There was a note in a mailbox SOMEWHERE today, and that's what has me a bit wild. I love mail...I just hope everyone else does. Again, I must protect the innocent (namely me) and keep mum on the details. But, it's the postal system that has me all aflutter today. Do you check your mail daily? I do, when I know it's bill time. But, in between, sometimes I let it go a day or two. <br /><br />The stamp had a small man carrying a big heart.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-29911504164495539682008-08-27T22:04:00.004-04:002008-08-27T22:17:52.948-04:00Bird on a WireI was almost trapped overnight in the mall tonight. And after reading "Cordouroy" (as a child long ago) the story of a stuffed bear left in a department store overnight, I have at times wished to be left overnight to the temptations of a mall. But, at close to age 40, it doesn't hold the charm that it once did. For one, I realize that I would be expected to pay for anything that I used or consumed and I couldn't (have you checked prices in the mall lately?) and for the other, I like getting home to the spotted dog, crazy cats and a nice warm shower. It was a dressing room door that just came apart, in a store that had music blaring and I literally had to scream HELP several times to get anyone's attention. And then, of course, they appeared to think that I might be the lunatic. A knob in the hand though, proves my point and I went on my merry way. <br /><br />It occurred to me as I stood there contemplating my long night in the mall behind that broken door, that I have been letting myself get stuck a lot lately. Stuck in the old ideas about me. Stuck with the old records of who I am. And I don't believe in them anymore...so why am I listening? I think because it's easier. I think because I know I can have what I want (maybe not when I want it, or who I want it to be, or how I want it to come about) but I do have power, and I am choosing to deny that. Which, frankly, after all the years of work I have done, pisses me off. So, I decided (at the same time I chose to start screaming rather than just wishing to get out) that I will have to do a daily mental sticky note, proclaiming my independence from old verbage that doesn't work for me anymore. Stating the fact that I ain't who I once was, and won't be again. Not because that was bad, but because I've moved past it. And as comforting as that hellish place feels, I'll spend my life stuck in the wrong place if I keep subscribing to it. <br /><br />Of course, there's a good deal of relief when the door opens setting you free to your new destination, but as all truly sensory people do...I hesitate at the threshold for a bit to feel the sway in either direction.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-61658130843101022262008-08-26T21:38:00.001-04:002008-08-26T21:39:38.105-04:00Good God...how can one girl be so stupid?<br /><br />is all I have to say.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-16319926833097642802008-08-25T21:16:00.003-04:002008-08-25T21:33:00.161-04:00this vulnerability thing SUCKSI've been driving...which is what I do when I am "wild" (the definition of wild here is that place where you cannot be still or you will crash...movement is necessary...I suppose it is flight, but on a measured scale), so I've been driving. And driving. For about an hour.<br /><br />And I passed over a place in the road where four years ago, I used to walk with my black lab mix Roxy at 5:30am every morning. It was a 1.5 mile stretch...meaning we ended up doing three, usually in the dark. Mylifewassimplerthen. And as I passed over that stretch, I wanted to step back into those wee hours with my dear (now passed) friend and feel what it was like to not hurt over every little thing. The way I am doing right now.<br /><br />And it's crazy. It's crazy to be so overly sensitive. Crazy. But, I am the owner of crazy at this stage in the game and like it or lump it, it's where I am at. So, tonight, I am sad...because my mad crush passed me on his bike with a girl on back. And my friend argues, it could have been family (which along with a few details I am leaving out, makes good sense). And yes, of course. But, sensitive girl that I am, overly sensitive CRAZY girl that I am...I feel wild about this possibility of it being a "girl" unrelated to him, and so I've had to drive.<br /><br />Why? Because I really see something there...in him. And I don't know if he'll share it with anyone, least of all me. But, I can't seem to let go of it. And everything hurts. EVERYTHING hurts. And this is so new for me. Because I've always KNOWN that nothing was for me in this world and once you begin to think that something might be for you in this world, you introduce pain into your small universe. And it just nibbles at you from all angles. Not believing, although hopeless, feels numb. I was tired of numb, so now I've gone and got everything. And I feel like some living thing (I know not what to call it, but someone smarter will) that has way too many tentacles on its body and takes in so much information that it cannot possibly digest it, so it stays over-stimulated and a bit raw on its ends.<br /><br />This too shall pass. I know you are saying it. I know it is true. However, the interim is quite excruciating.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-90575314138166676692008-08-24T20:48:00.003-04:002008-08-24T21:21:54.389-04:00Almost fallAn hour ago I had tomato basil soup. It's been in the plan all day since I picked tomatoes at the weed garden :) but it just came to fruition after two long walks and a trip to Wal-mart for heavy cream. It was wonderful, a chunk of toasted baguette to go along and a couple peaches for the tasty conclusion. <br /><br />Now the laundry lays on the bed...quietly boasting that I cannot go to sleep until I fold it and put it away. <br /><br />The apple tree on Squirrel Spur road smells so fabulous. And there was a bit of alfalfa mowing going on today that I passed and felt that fresh sweet grass swirl about me. There was a black and white spotted dog sitting in a parked bright orange truck...and he just looked at us as we passed. Never offering to greet or growl. Patient easy rider. Bentley went pulling crazy as per the norm, but we carried on and got safely past and settled into a comfortable pace. <br /><br />I was reading my Health magazine last night and I was astounded by the "girl of the week" who walks/runs thirty miles per week. I am always amazed by other people's stuff, always thinking how much better they are than me. And it occurred to me (this nibbling truth in my subconscious) that every week, I walk/run at least 42 miles and sometimes closer to 50. And I had to sit still for a minute. Me? I AM that girl. I AM even more than that girl. <br /><br />The slow journey to belief in self gets some light here and there. I feel like it's been a tough past few months. Opening new doors, finding out great things and feeling sometimes terrible. I haven't been sharing it, because it feels so fragile. I need to believe in magic and so few of us do. I need the support of true believers and that is difficult to find. So, in my silence I find a bit of quiet magic and try to learn to self-support...until I feel strong enough to look for it in new places. <br /><br />One incredibly wonderful thing happened in the past week or so...but it's a small part in what I hope is someday a bigger story. I will definitely write it down, once a couple more chapters become clear.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-24317707335011580562008-07-10T22:41:00.003-04:002008-07-10T22:46:24.189-04:00Exhaustion and Embracing thoughtsEveryone is imperfect, right? <br /><br />Is that what gives us peace?<br /><br />I have been sick for days.<br /><br />18 dogs.<br /><br />3 cats.<br /><br />Two back to back festivals.<br /><br />And a neck that hurt so badly.<br /><br />My friend Tiffany told me today that she asked her sister, who is prayerful and "gets heard", to pray for me and love. How sweet and gentle was that?<br /><br />And why, when someone chooses you out of a whole universe of people, to treat in such a rare beautiful way...do I just swirl around thinking, "I'm not worthy"? <br /><br />I miss everyone. <br /><br />I am just so busy.<br /><br />Good night, then. I will put a prayer in my basket for love for all of you.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-24430809009835639262008-06-30T21:17:00.002-04:002008-06-30T21:27:26.713-04:00Monday Mondayfa la lalalala.<br /><br />not really. Yes, Monday. Not falalalala anything about it. We lost our chef yesterday. Which is to say many good things and just a few scary ones. But, that's work and time away from work should be just that. <br /><br />So, what else? We set off on our after work walk, and got caught in a storm. So, we ran back to Leslie's with HUGE drops falling on us. And I'll be honest, it was kindof delightful in that way that rain can be delightful when you don't care what you look like. When you are done with the day as a social have-to-be and you can just be wet and go home and not worry. That kindof delightful. Plus it was warm, so the rain felt like a cool battering of water and it was nice. REally.<br /><br />We spent time with Leslie and Lavita at the store. And although I just meant to stop for rain-cover, it actually ended up being somewhat cozy and we talked girl talk and laughed a lot. I enjoyed it. And sat there at one point thinking that I will remember this. My whole life has been that way. There are times when everything inside of me stills and I think how I will remember everything about those moments - what the air was like, what color the books made the light seem, how the spotted dog laid behind us on the floor, how Lavita's eyes crinkle when she laughs, or the way Leslie gets all concerned-serious about Jolly and the truck. It's the oddest times that hold those spots for me. I remember in high school once, walking down the hallway between classes and it hit me...I will always remember this moment. And I do, the stale hallway, the teacher's voices, the kids murmur or laughter, my footsteps down the long hallway, office announcements crossing the intercom. I felt like I was taking a walk through my life. And I knew it. Today, this evening, I felt like I was sitting in my life. And I knew it. <br /><br />I love it when that happens. I wish it happened more often. I believe it may be called presence, and I long for it always. Because it reeks of harmony. And I believe harmony to be supreme living. Disciplined supreme living. And I'll get there. One of these days.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-16878285570849382502008-06-28T21:28:00.004-04:002008-06-28T21:38:44.618-04:00Quiet SaturdayYesterday I came home from a HOT day packing grease into the wheel barings of two wagons (with dad of course) and turned the cold water on in the claw foot tub and put myself into it. There is never an ailment that a bath cannot remedy in my book. Yet, I am the worst to take one. A shower girl to the core - the efficiency of it works for me. But, I have bath friends, Angie who loves a bath like no one else I know, and Leslie who always chooses a bath over a shower. LEslie seems like a bath girl though, she is a bit luxurious without being the least bit airy. I never take them, but when I do...I feel so amazing. And the cold bath after a hot, greasy, dusty day was way more than the doctor ordered. <br /><br />Today I headed to Wytheville to see the dad early. The stepmonster is away, so I said, "I'm coming to see you, dad!" and I did. We picked cherries (I have pictures, but not yet downloaded) and ate cherries until my fingernails and blue jeans were stained purple. We washed my car and cleaned it up all over - dad is the typical car fanatic. Then, we worked a bit in his garden (which I also have photos of...it is gorgeous!) And then, all of a sudden, it was time to leave. He had to take his two step-grandchildren for a golf lesson with my brother at 3pm. It was a great day. I wish there were more of them...without the "SM". She's a real pill...I'm not a'lyin'.<br /><br />I brought broccoli, potatoes and onions home. So, I made a broccoli soup...which I like and had some of for dinner. Late dinner, so I was going to just walk. But, then decided to run anyhow...and other than a few minor stomach cramps, I enjoyed it. Did the cool down walk with the STones, "Wild Horses" which I really think is the song of all songs. Love that one.<br /><br />Nothing else...my friend Trinity called from NYC. He's there for work, and I was jealous. NOt because I do not love it here. But, because I also love it there. Not to live, but to visit...very much. I should have told him to bring me some bagels. Dammit, I forgot!khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-21741337972700704312008-06-26T07:05:00.002-04:002008-06-26T07:12:48.609-04:00Morning MusingI made a trip to the sporting goods store for festival coolers yesterday and while I was walking through the mall, I passed a jewelry store. The kind that displays diamonds, diamonds, diamonds. And I thought how I have only once been to that counter - with my best friend's now husband to look at the ring he had picked out for proposal. But, I have never been there to look for my own ring. I've never even considered it. And this could be two-fold. The outside layer would be that I am all about getting a deal, so I shop for clothes at Ross or TJMaxx rather than Belk or Macy's. So, I would probably never shop a jewelry store for a diamond, but then I really don't know where else you'd find them. Unless it was a pawn shop, which might not be as romantic?<br /><br />The second layer, the core of it, is that I was taught to believe that no one would ever want me. Much less want to marry me. That is so far off my idea of this life that just writing it "marry me" sounds absurd. <br /><br />And this caused me to wonder if you have to entertain even the broadest dreams to begin to make the smallest advances? I almost stepped up to the counter, but it felt crazy. And I was certain that the staff would come out laughing and asking what I was thinking. So, I will wait for a busier day, and sneak up on the side to just put that on my list of done deeds. I still have a lot of work to do to banish the voice in my head, branded into me very long ago. I realize this at the oddest times, but at least I am becoming more aware.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5295138427278250035.post-79577620227588468212008-06-25T21:22:00.002-04:002008-06-25T21:30:18.634-04:00Wed nes dayI am waiting for the sweat to dry in my hair so I can wash it. I don't know if everyone is like this but if I wash when it is wet the amount of frizz multiplies by 200. And I can't handle more frizz. <br /><br />The moving still seems to be my mode of healing. Tonight was a walk night, but we ended up running. And it felt good. I haven't been riding the bike as much. I am having a seat problem and probably need to ask dad for help. He is one of those men who knows how to do everything. There are not men like that anymore...have you noticed this? He is also one of those men who watches out for you as a woman, "don't lift that, I'll get it". Now I know this can be frustrating. But, I am around men every day that will let me work myself into the ground and barely do what they are supposed to do themselves, much less lend a hand. So, I enjoy that in my dad. Plus, I am no small potato, so I don't get too many people who think I can't handle a heavy load. I'm built for it, but sometimes I want to feel girl-y. And my dad makes me feel that way. I know a lot of petite women who will go through you if you try to help them, or think them weak. So, I think it's all about where you are coming from. Which is to say that while I enjoy it, many would not...so don't use me for your defense if you get told off.<br /><br />Today has felt sorta hectic. I think that's mostly work. But, I find myself at 9:30 thinking where did the day go???<br /><br />It's time for a shower. I know this hasn't been breath-taking, but I'm just trying to get back into the groove.khttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17554517596018190607noreply@blogger.com3