The dirt road smells of fox grapes. There are cows now to one side and the spotted dog wants so badly to give chase. So, we go zig-zagging down the road daily as big black cows watch us and probably chuckle to themselves. It isn't fair how gorgeous the day was considering how much havoc those hurricanes are causing. But, it was beautiful. And I skipped book club. We were going to talk about the favorite book of recent years (for me) Eat, Pray, Love. And I was so excited about that. But, a whole new crowd. And a "socialized" bunch...and I didn't feel like fitting in. I can. But, didn't want to. Less and less do I want to fit in to where I don't feel I fit. YOu know? I am less tolerant of the groups that cause me to work a lot for inclusion. This is a lovely group, I am sure. I just couldn't make myself do it.
I realized on Saturday that I want to run from my life right now. I want to leave everything...this house on the dirt road, my job that I have loved, the people that surround me daily. I want the next evolution of my life so badly that I would consider leaving all this behind. And that is crazy. I mean, really. Or is it?
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Splinter
A piece of wood caught me in the heel of my thumb a few days ago. Years ago, when I was a child, my dad would have gotten out his pocket knife and dug the splinter out as I shrieked in fear and uncertainty. Now, I am waiting for my body to push it out. Because it will. Foreign substance...it will get spit out of me at some point. I keep my eye on it...waiting.
Same thing goes for this love bug I caught. I am waiting for my soul to spit it out. It's been such a difficult journey. Yes, there are a good many things to have come from it. But, my efforts have gone unrewarded and that stinks. There's no other way to say it. In time, could my crush come around? Yes, I suppose so. But, it's hurting me and I have to decide when to stop that. When to get the pocket knife and dig that ache out of me.
Like the wood in my thumb, I wait for it to be purged by natural instincts. And maybe that will happen. I know the splinter will leave my thumb, because I have experienced this before. And I know that the infatuation will fade. Patiently, I look for progress in that direction. But, it seems like the more I watch, the more the piece of wood settles in-no longer puckered red, but seeming to be a part of me. Same as the crazy infatuation that travels each day with me. Not boiling over, and yet never steaming away to thin air.
I'm learning to live with both of them in the interim. Or I think I must be. Sometimes it feels like I'm just breathing through it. And maybe that's the best I can hope for at the moment.
Same thing goes for this love bug I caught. I am waiting for my soul to spit it out. It's been such a difficult journey. Yes, there are a good many things to have come from it. But, my efforts have gone unrewarded and that stinks. There's no other way to say it. In time, could my crush come around? Yes, I suppose so. But, it's hurting me and I have to decide when to stop that. When to get the pocket knife and dig that ache out of me.
Like the wood in my thumb, I wait for it to be purged by natural instincts. And maybe that will happen. I know the splinter will leave my thumb, because I have experienced this before. And I know that the infatuation will fade. Patiently, I look for progress in that direction. But, it seems like the more I watch, the more the piece of wood settles in-no longer puckered red, but seeming to be a part of me. Same as the crazy infatuation that travels each day with me. Not boiling over, and yet never steaming away to thin air.
I'm learning to live with both of them in the interim. Or I think I must be. Sometimes it feels like I'm just breathing through it. And maybe that's the best I can hope for at the moment.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Mail Check
I've been chasing the moon tonight. I saw it as I was driving home from TND, and then I went out on foot to find it. But, it was hiding and I never did find it. The stars were good company. I am tempted to drive. Tempted to be Wild. Not yet at the driving stage (which is Wild-Stage Center), I am doing the next best thing...which is techno dance music as loud as I can stand it (or what won't encourage the neighbors to visit me). This is soothing because i love it...love to dance, love the beat, love the non-thinking that it brings about in me.
There was a note in a mailbox SOMEWHERE today, and that's what has me a bit wild. I love mail...I just hope everyone else does. Again, I must protect the innocent (namely me) and keep mum on the details. But, it's the postal system that has me all aflutter today. Do you check your mail daily? I do, when I know it's bill time. But, in between, sometimes I let it go a day or two.
The stamp had a small man carrying a big heart.
There was a note in a mailbox SOMEWHERE today, and that's what has me a bit wild. I love mail...I just hope everyone else does. Again, I must protect the innocent (namely me) and keep mum on the details. But, it's the postal system that has me all aflutter today. Do you check your mail daily? I do, when I know it's bill time. But, in between, sometimes I let it go a day or two.
The stamp had a small man carrying a big heart.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Bird on a Wire
I was almost trapped overnight in the mall tonight. And after reading "Cordouroy" (as a child long ago) the story of a stuffed bear left in a department store overnight, I have at times wished to be left overnight to the temptations of a mall. But, at close to age 40, it doesn't hold the charm that it once did. For one, I realize that I would be expected to pay for anything that I used or consumed and I couldn't (have you checked prices in the mall lately?) and for the other, I like getting home to the spotted dog, crazy cats and a nice warm shower. It was a dressing room door that just came apart, in a store that had music blaring and I literally had to scream HELP several times to get anyone's attention. And then, of course, they appeared to think that I might be the lunatic. A knob in the hand though, proves my point and I went on my merry way.
It occurred to me as I stood there contemplating my long night in the mall behind that broken door, that I have been letting myself get stuck a lot lately. Stuck in the old ideas about me. Stuck with the old records of who I am. And I don't believe in them anymore...so why am I listening? I think because it's easier. I think because I know I can have what I want (maybe not when I want it, or who I want it to be, or how I want it to come about) but I do have power, and I am choosing to deny that. Which, frankly, after all the years of work I have done, pisses me off. So, I decided (at the same time I chose to start screaming rather than just wishing to get out) that I will have to do a daily mental sticky note, proclaiming my independence from old verbage that doesn't work for me anymore. Stating the fact that I ain't who I once was, and won't be again. Not because that was bad, but because I've moved past it. And as comforting as that hellish place feels, I'll spend my life stuck in the wrong place if I keep subscribing to it.
Of course, there's a good deal of relief when the door opens setting you free to your new destination, but as all truly sensory people do...I hesitate at the threshold for a bit to feel the sway in either direction.
It occurred to me as I stood there contemplating my long night in the mall behind that broken door, that I have been letting myself get stuck a lot lately. Stuck in the old ideas about me. Stuck with the old records of who I am. And I don't believe in them anymore...so why am I listening? I think because it's easier. I think because I know I can have what I want (maybe not when I want it, or who I want it to be, or how I want it to come about) but I do have power, and I am choosing to deny that. Which, frankly, after all the years of work I have done, pisses me off. So, I decided (at the same time I chose to start screaming rather than just wishing to get out) that I will have to do a daily mental sticky note, proclaiming my independence from old verbage that doesn't work for me anymore. Stating the fact that I ain't who I once was, and won't be again. Not because that was bad, but because I've moved past it. And as comforting as that hellish place feels, I'll spend my life stuck in the wrong place if I keep subscribing to it.
Of course, there's a good deal of relief when the door opens setting you free to your new destination, but as all truly sensory people do...I hesitate at the threshold for a bit to feel the sway in either direction.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
this vulnerability thing SUCKS
I've been driving...which is what I do when I am "wild" (the definition of wild here is that place where you cannot be still or you will crash...movement is necessary...I suppose it is flight, but on a measured scale), so I've been driving. And driving. For about an hour.
And I passed over a place in the road where four years ago, I used to walk with my black lab mix Roxy at 5:30am every morning. It was a 1.5 mile stretch...meaning we ended up doing three, usually in the dark. Mylifewassimplerthen. And as I passed over that stretch, I wanted to step back into those wee hours with my dear (now passed) friend and feel what it was like to not hurt over every little thing. The way I am doing right now.
And it's crazy. It's crazy to be so overly sensitive. Crazy. But, I am the owner of crazy at this stage in the game and like it or lump it, it's where I am at. So, tonight, I am sad...because my mad crush passed me on his bike with a girl on back. And my friend argues, it could have been family (which along with a few details I am leaving out, makes good sense). And yes, of course. But, sensitive girl that I am, overly sensitive CRAZY girl that I am...I feel wild about this possibility of it being a "girl" unrelated to him, and so I've had to drive.
Why? Because I really see something there...in him. And I don't know if he'll share it with anyone, least of all me. But, I can't seem to let go of it. And everything hurts. EVERYTHING hurts. And this is so new for me. Because I've always KNOWN that nothing was for me in this world and once you begin to think that something might be for you in this world, you introduce pain into your small universe. And it just nibbles at you from all angles. Not believing, although hopeless, feels numb. I was tired of numb, so now I've gone and got everything. And I feel like some living thing (I know not what to call it, but someone smarter will) that has way too many tentacles on its body and takes in so much information that it cannot possibly digest it, so it stays over-stimulated and a bit raw on its ends.
This too shall pass. I know you are saying it. I know it is true. However, the interim is quite excruciating.
And I passed over a place in the road where four years ago, I used to walk with my black lab mix Roxy at 5:30am every morning. It was a 1.5 mile stretch...meaning we ended up doing three, usually in the dark. Mylifewassimplerthen. And as I passed over that stretch, I wanted to step back into those wee hours with my dear (now passed) friend and feel what it was like to not hurt over every little thing. The way I am doing right now.
And it's crazy. It's crazy to be so overly sensitive. Crazy. But, I am the owner of crazy at this stage in the game and like it or lump it, it's where I am at. So, tonight, I am sad...because my mad crush passed me on his bike with a girl on back. And my friend argues, it could have been family (which along with a few details I am leaving out, makes good sense). And yes, of course. But, sensitive girl that I am, overly sensitive CRAZY girl that I am...I feel wild about this possibility of it being a "girl" unrelated to him, and so I've had to drive.
Why? Because I really see something there...in him. And I don't know if he'll share it with anyone, least of all me. But, I can't seem to let go of it. And everything hurts. EVERYTHING hurts. And this is so new for me. Because I've always KNOWN that nothing was for me in this world and once you begin to think that something might be for you in this world, you introduce pain into your small universe. And it just nibbles at you from all angles. Not believing, although hopeless, feels numb. I was tired of numb, so now I've gone and got everything. And I feel like some living thing (I know not what to call it, but someone smarter will) that has way too many tentacles on its body and takes in so much information that it cannot possibly digest it, so it stays over-stimulated and a bit raw on its ends.
This too shall pass. I know you are saying it. I know it is true. However, the interim is quite excruciating.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Almost fall
An hour ago I had tomato basil soup. It's been in the plan all day since I picked tomatoes at the weed garden :) but it just came to fruition after two long walks and a trip to Wal-mart for heavy cream. It was wonderful, a chunk of toasted baguette to go along and a couple peaches for the tasty conclusion.
Now the laundry lays on the bed...quietly boasting that I cannot go to sleep until I fold it and put it away.
The apple tree on Squirrel Spur road smells so fabulous. And there was a bit of alfalfa mowing going on today that I passed and felt that fresh sweet grass swirl about me. There was a black and white spotted dog sitting in a parked bright orange truck...and he just looked at us as we passed. Never offering to greet or growl. Patient easy rider. Bentley went pulling crazy as per the norm, but we carried on and got safely past and settled into a comfortable pace.
I was reading my Health magazine last night and I was astounded by the "girl of the week" who walks/runs thirty miles per week. I am always amazed by other people's stuff, always thinking how much better they are than me. And it occurred to me (this nibbling truth in my subconscious) that every week, I walk/run at least 42 miles and sometimes closer to 50. And I had to sit still for a minute. Me? I AM that girl. I AM even more than that girl.
The slow journey to belief in self gets some light here and there. I feel like it's been a tough past few months. Opening new doors, finding out great things and feeling sometimes terrible. I haven't been sharing it, because it feels so fragile. I need to believe in magic and so few of us do. I need the support of true believers and that is difficult to find. So, in my silence I find a bit of quiet magic and try to learn to self-support...until I feel strong enough to look for it in new places.
One incredibly wonderful thing happened in the past week or so...but it's a small part in what I hope is someday a bigger story. I will definitely write it down, once a couple more chapters become clear.
Now the laundry lays on the bed...quietly boasting that I cannot go to sleep until I fold it and put it away.
The apple tree on Squirrel Spur road smells so fabulous. And there was a bit of alfalfa mowing going on today that I passed and felt that fresh sweet grass swirl about me. There was a black and white spotted dog sitting in a parked bright orange truck...and he just looked at us as we passed. Never offering to greet or growl. Patient easy rider. Bentley went pulling crazy as per the norm, but we carried on and got safely past and settled into a comfortable pace.
I was reading my Health magazine last night and I was astounded by the "girl of the week" who walks/runs thirty miles per week. I am always amazed by other people's stuff, always thinking how much better they are than me. And it occurred to me (this nibbling truth in my subconscious) that every week, I walk/run at least 42 miles and sometimes closer to 50. And I had to sit still for a minute. Me? I AM that girl. I AM even more than that girl.
The slow journey to belief in self gets some light here and there. I feel like it's been a tough past few months. Opening new doors, finding out great things and feeling sometimes terrible. I haven't been sharing it, because it feels so fragile. I need to believe in magic and so few of us do. I need the support of true believers and that is difficult to find. So, in my silence I find a bit of quiet magic and try to learn to self-support...until I feel strong enough to look for it in new places.
One incredibly wonderful thing happened in the past week or so...but it's a small part in what I hope is someday a bigger story. I will definitely write it down, once a couple more chapters become clear.
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