Habitual Hesitation

Well, I'm hitting the heebie jeebies that I always get when heading off into new territories. I've been all kinds of excited about it, until now, when I try to put outfits together and think about all the people, the beautiful people and then think how I'm not gonna be right for that beautiful people place and then...well, you get it. And at some point, I will swirl until I ask myself why I planned something in the first place and then I will try to think about how I would feel if I didn't go...and at that point, I will finally begin to climb back up. Realizing that not going would be extremely disappointing and I would remember that decision for a bad long time.

But, I"m not there yet. I'm still in the "are you sure you should do this" stage. I've never spent time in DC that I wasn't working. I'm so excited to see the city at night...I love the lights against the sky I know so well. The people watching will be wonderful, and I do so enjoy that. And I get to see a friend who is quite lovely. And beyond all those great swell things, there's Eddie...and as my friend Michael would tell you, Eddie Rules!

So, I'll be fine. I'm sure I will be.

More on first date night...

The arrival of the boy...

A blessed union. (Don't you LOVE those blue flowers???)

A brief chat in the doorway.

To check out LEslie's pictures...which are at times a little ethereal - cool, go here

What a lot of fun we had!

It was "first date" night for Trinity's themed Tuesday night dinner. And we posed at the old house on his property. I cannot begin to tell you how much fun we had. Next Tuesday, Leslie's theme is the Beatniks. All black and big makeup...so excited!


Me and Miss Leslie on the front porch in a "Boop" pose.

Ghost girl at the window.

Leslie and Trinity with the best wallpaper!!

Leslie...so so gorgeous for "first date" night! She said this was a replica outfit of one her mom wore in the 50's. (Sorry I didn't get her flipped upright...still can't figure these uploading things out!)

This was my favorite picture of Trin and Leslie...but it turned out dark! Dammit! Check the shoes out though!!

First date night

Well, I have to give you a preview of the night ahead. It's now Tuesday night dinner. And last week I began a crazy addition with the new camera doing action shots in odd ensembles. Tonight is Trinity's dinner night. His theme is "first date", and he is cooking from the cookbook I gave him for his birthday "Skinny Cooks CAn't Be Trusted" by Monique. I will probably make the onion pie, some smoked trout dip...not sure what else. We are supposed to treat this like a first date meal. He asked me to bring my camera and we'll do a "shoot" at the dilapidated house on his property. I suggested old timey first date shots, and I don't have an old timey dress (which makes me sad...LEslie probably may have one) but thought we could do some chaste scenes on the front porch.

Oh, the silly things one looks forward to! Check back later...hopefully I'll get some good fun shots to share with you!

So, what comes around...

I rode my new bike today on the dirt road. It's more hilly than when I walk it, and tough uphill to the fudge factory. This should be my inspiration, but I can honestly tell you that I have been there twice in my life and that was to buy a friend goodies. I'm not so into the stuff myself.

I love right now that even 80 degrees feels cool and spring-like. I love that 48 this evening was just enough for a jacket as I whizzed past the stream, the church, the black cow grazing. I love that the tree frogs are singing nightly as dusk falls and turns the fields green blue. I love the silence, and sometimes the voices far away, enjoying the evening as much as I do, but not with me.

I stand back from life a good bit. And I often wonder if that's okay. Because I truly love the people that I love, but I don't say it all the time. I am quiet about it. There are times when thoughts of certain people just make me so joyful and I feel everything that they mean to me. And other times when I am so far from that. And I don't want that to be because I am afraid, or too cautious. If it is because I am me, that that will be fine thank you. But, if it is because I am not doing the work I need to, then I am disappointed in me. I can't yet get to the bottom of it. And the other part of this is that it's so damn difficult to understand why anyone does anything for me. And I feel guilt, huge overwhelming guilt about it. So, there is some lack of deserving there. And I am sure that's all tied together.

Is it really okay to be yourself, and what are the conditions?

The Dalai Lama for instance

I am always curious about humans set to inproportionate places by the society that idols them, or is just using them for personal entertainment, or believes something passionately about them. Reading an article this morning about the Dalai Lama and wondering what goes on inside his head over the fuss made about him. I guess he is different for me from others who might be seen as having similar placement, like the Pope, or the President, or Jay Leno or Cher. Mainly because he is enlightened. The whole idea of enlightenment being that you can't take yourself that damn seriously. So, does he wake to a daily chuckle, don his long flowing apparel and head out to his umbrella? I'm just not sure...and I'd love to have that conversation with him inside his head. Because otherwise, he would be too gentle and kind to speak his truth...which I imagine to be, "what the heck are you expecting of me? I'm a human." I don't think that less enlightened superstars suffer this, because they probably actually believe some bit of it too. I for one, am no good at being what I'm not. Which leads me to a story.

Yesterday a new couple of friends invited me out to dinner with other friends. They believe that I am shy and need to relax and enjoy myself more. And I can totally agree with that sometimes. My friend at work said, gooooooooo, it'll do you good to meet new folks. And so I did. And they were a hoot! I laughed a lot, and people watched my little heart out. But, it didn't make me jump up on a table, and I didn't add a lot to the conversation. But they all, four, insisted that they would pull me out of my reservation at some point down the road. Unlike the Dalai Lama, you can dress me up, give me props and send me out the door with the most supportive masses, but I cannot do the show. It's just not in me to even want to. I don't sit back thinking...wow, I wish I were that person (although they were all fabulous). I rather just sit back. I think they will ask me out again, and the realist in me feels like I need to say...you do realize that you're just getting the same booth corner quiet watching girl, right? Ask me to analyze anyone in the bar, and I can do it...but the rest of it is never gonna happen. Once people realize that they can't change you for the "better", do they lose faith? Do you just go along with the play until the curtain closes? Or do they really know all along that you're never gonna get it and they just enjoy messing with you? It could be any one of those or some combination...but I'm just not enlightened enough to figure out which.

Nothing much...

The air is different today...and if I were a girl without allergies, I believe the wind might be scented. I catch a whiff of something idyllic every so often when my nasal passages clear enough to bring oxygen all the way into my brain.

I got off of work today and stopped by the garden and planted onion sets. I have no idea really why they call them "sets" because they are singles and I didn't count them, but they aren't priced as a set. Someone will know this answer...share it, if you do. Anyway...it was so therapeutic to drop by the garden after work. Even though I went in late today...it was a kinda stressed out day. Not bad stress, just stress. And the unwinding of putting your feet in red mud and hacking at the earth and then nestling baby plants into it...well, pretty darn wonderful if you ask me.

This is the last brutal week...by that I mean seven day week at work. And I had planned to take a couple days off next week before my DC trip (going to visit a friend and we're going to see Eddie Izzard...I'm just so excited!) but it is not to be. There's too much to get done to have less than a four day week. So, maybe the week after, I think. Maybe.

I don't have any tall tales for you. I feel a bit content, oddly enough. Just satisfied. Not coming off the walls and not tearing at the walls, just content. And I really like that feeling. It's not full of expectation. It waits for nothing more and fears nothing less. It is being, which I think is our truest state. My truest state.

Well, I should wash the red mud off of me and try to get some rest. Big weekend ahead. And then, Eddie...counting the days!