Monday, April 6, 2009

Half-remembered Wisdoms

My cat, Banjo is getting a bit long in the tooth. Don't get me wrong...she walks the walk and talks the talk and looks good for her age and acts like a young chick until you peeve her. She's just closing in on 10 years oldish and she's slowing down a bit here and there. I adopted a young fella about one and a half years ago, named him Magi. He is a fit! Oh my much energy, play, aggression, force of personality...and he's gorgeous! Long apricot hair and big green doesn't get much more handsome than Magpie (my nickname for him). I didn't know if she would love him or not...I hoped she would, but he was in a sad state and needed a home, so I took my chances.

I think they get along. At times I thought she fancied him. And now and then, I think she barely tolerates him at all. So, about 6 months ago, an old tom cat starts coming around the place. At first he's mean, taking food being a monster. And at some point, a few months back, I think he decided to be part of the family. HIs whole demeanor changed and he started hanging back to let the other cats eat, even let them beat up on him sometimes. Looks pitifully at me like he wants me to include him in my kitty conversations or pet him, love him a bit here and there. I don't...I feel like we walk that narrow line where if he gets me, he'll be mean to them again. So no me, and the balance seems to remain intact. Now, we have three bowls for food outside and each bowl gets food twice a day. I don't run him off, although the spotted dog would.

And one day, I noticed Banjo touching noses with him! A love affair? I am uncertain. But, he has defended her on a couple occasions against the bruiser play of the Magpie. They lay together on the red blanket sometimes and today, they both came back with burrs! Scandal, I surmise.

It just goes to prove that love is an unexplainable occurance. And just as I wonder how we form those attractions in life -what are they based on? Some chemical shift? The caught eye? The pheremone scents we detect but don't know about? I'm not sure. God knows I have questioned my own crushes of late. Thinking I was on the right track, and then thinking I've been so mislead (by me, not someone else). I wonder if someone is out there for all of us? And I think about the scarred up tomcat that replaced my apricot beauty in the heart of fair Banjo.

And I know, that no matter how you try to plan for it, you just never know when the right cat will come along....

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Ain't No Love

what I keep listening to over and over is this song by DAvid Gray. Who, I believe is marvelous. Years ago, my friend Tracy turned me on to him and ever since I have been loving the words that come out of his mouth, the melodies that accompany his genius.

"Some days I'm bursting at the seams with all my half remembered dreams,
and then it shoots me down again.
This ain't no love that's guiding me."

It makes me think about how many times in a day I veer off path. If the path is love, I don't always choose it. I want it, dream about it, think for hours about it, but do not follow it's lesson - the nuances of being open to everything, everyone, all there is. I live in fear too often and even when I think my goal is clear...I am lost anyway.

No, there ain't no love guiding me.

Friday, March 27, 2009


"Won't you take me to...Funkytown?"

Trust me when I say that the funk I have been in for the past few days, you don't want to visit. Even though the place sounds kinda kinky was the pits. And I am slithering out as any slimey thing does when tossed off its feet and forced to move without limbs. I am trying to plow through my 1.5 liters of water...and I realize that I don't drink as much as I used to. The good stuff I mean, just liquids. But, I have a headache and the books say drink I am. And that is good. But, difficult. I"m thirsty but not that thirsty.

I am just one of those souls that swims merrily along until I hit a jag and then I go diving into the deepest pit and feel like everything is over, even when it's just Thursday and the world seems to be plugging along. I don't weather it well when I fall off the jolly wagon. And I was a mess yesterday. Today I am better in the sense that I either want to cry or slap someone. So, just a tad bit emotional. Not normally an overly emotional person. Sensitive yes...emotional no. But yesterday, I was like a spigot and today I am either that or a bit combustive.

Isn't it funny how we can't always be who we want to be no matter how hard we try? And isn't it odd how the good of life so necessarily needs the bad? I'm still messy...but it's definitely a better day. Tomorrow, possibly the best one yet (see there's a little hope for you :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


How do I write a love letter to you?

When you don't see me. Won't know me. Look so far into me that I can't breathe. Hesitate by the doorway waiting for me to say something perfect. Imperfect. God, I don't know.

Why do I feel like I know you when I don't know you? And why does it feel like home when you are close to me, yet we are just becoming friends?

What are you thinking, calm cool collected? Why are you watching sunsets without me? Do you know how much I want to know the things about you? Not everything. Not ever everything. Just some things. Something insignificant that not many others know. Something elementary like the way your heart sounds against my ear.

This is so hard. So difficult. And sometimes you look at me and I see it. You. A stray thought about this or that connecting thread. Other times, you just don't look and I can't understand how you stay away.

It's not love. It's not love. But, it's something real anyway. And I can't figure it out without you.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Two Favorite things I've heard in the past 24 hours

1. from the movie "Beauty Shop" with Queen Latifah

Queen: "Do these jeans make my butt look big?"
Daughter: "Yes, mama, they do"
Queen: "Gooooooooood!"

2. on the phone with my friend Kari who believes that one should never shop outside high end department stores

Me: 'I got three pairs of shoes with my Cato gift card. They were $8 each!!!'
Kari: "Are...they...(hesitation stop)..........................cute?"


One of my favorite things to make is polenta. If you've never tried it, I believe it's in the grain family...sortof like a grit cake and you slice it...well, I slice it and put it in a baby amount of oil and brown it on both sides. Once it is browned, I put a little wedge of goat cheese on top of one round and then put a round on top of a goat cheese/polenta oreo of sorts. Once this flavor combination meshes, I add some tomato sauce and have a wonderful, not too terrible for me meal. My friend Angie and I made this once for Christmas eve dinner...she the vegetarian came up with the fabulous recipe and I have loved it ever since then. Of course, I added a Prince Michel Merlot and some cracked Italian ripe olives (cracked open, not crazy:) to round off my dinner offering. I love it and feel full afterwards, but not too full.

My point with Polenta is is so very bland by itself that I don't think anyone would bother with it. But, if you add the right stuff, it becomes a splendid meal. After the New Year, I am feeling flat - which is way better than under the tire and not quite as good as giddy. What I am learning is that this new lease on life...the suspended notion of magic, can be seasoned to resemble something close to it. Whatever I believe or don't believe, the world spins on and not carelessy necessarily. Probably carefully as it has forever. My stepping off onto a new path will not disrupt the universe as we know it. It will not stop the magic. It might only save my heart.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year coming

Well, I've almost made it through another holiday without committing suicide. And if you think I am being flip here and making fun of something most serious...I assure you that I am not. It is a constant thought throughout the holidays and I do everything but tie myself down to keep it from happening. There are many people that would be confused about it for years, forever and I can't do that to them. It's also a terribly selfish act and I can't imagine going out that way. I want something natural to happen, it's just not occurring soon enough.

And here's the problem with me...I am a believer. I believe in magic. And I have NOT had a life that is conducive to that notion. If anything, I have had a life that would lead one to believe there's nothing to this world, or energy or existence. Instead, by some unknown benefactor, I got this belief in good, and hope and magic. But, here's the doesn't ever work out for me. Not ever. And so, as I packed up my Christmas decorations (why am I doing this to be like every other sweet family in the country, while I most certainly am not) I decided to become a non-believer. And at the same time realized that I would not know myself at all that way. But, is that a very bad thing?

I'm tired of being heartbroken. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of not waiting, just working my ass off to make it happen. I'm tired of thinking it will happen if I am enough. I'm never going to be enough.

I suppose that a non-believer lives a pretty flat life. Knowing only that the road is there, but not whether it might rise up to greet you. Knowing the moon is full, but not that some spirit lives there smiling down on us. Seeing that the grass is green, but not listening for its whisper of springtime or passing crowds of ants and bugs. I suppose that a non-believer just doesn't believe and only knows what's right there. And a non-believer doesn't live in her head, but just with what is right there. No possibility, but rather probability to the negative sort.

All this makes me sad of course. I don't know how to live this way. But, I think I am going to find out. YOu might even consider me resolved to it.