Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's December!

It's almost Christmas and I just planned a trip to Vegas. January is really the only month that I can travel now that I'll be travelling for work most of the year. It's been a seven day work week and I am bombed...so tired that everything looks muddy. Well, the rain isn't helping. But, we need it...and I'm all for it. But, my mood is bleak.

I decided on the holiday wish. The one I do every year. It's kindof funny how it happens. Each year around October, I plant the seed of Christmas wish. If I have had a difficult, hard, teary-eyed year, then the idea that brings me peace, hope, solace is the one I will choose. However, if I have had a decent year, meaning I worked hard at change and feel like I kicked old habit's butt...then I choose what scares me most. So, October went by and the only nudge of an idea I got was "love". (Not surprising I am sure.) But, I thought that I wished for love three years ago and my dog died, and I found love and acceptance around me. So, I know I have love. What do I really want? So, that narrowed it a bit, and what came next was "romantic love" and that felt like hearts and butterflies...not scary really at all. So, I sat with that for a bit. And what came next made my stomach clench it was so scary.

Intimacy.

And when I shared this with my spiritual group...the men of course went into every sex innuendo they could muster. But, I don't mean that. I mean I do, but I don't. I mean feeling safe with someone knowing me in a lot of ways rather than just the ones that I allow. I don't feel safe with people in general, men in specific. So, usually relationships get one part of me. The physical girl or the mental one. I want all of it. It terrifies me.

It's my Christmas wish.

Let the chips fall where they may. When I choose scary, I usually get it in big heart wrenching ways. I think I can handle it. I hope so.

5 comments:

Michael said...

Indeed, it is December. That is factually correct.

There are so many great lines to quote here-like Charlie Brown's "home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in".

Intimacy is the big one. I've had it for so long I kind of lose perspective on it-I forget how big it is.

I often say about my wife that I would rather wait in line with her than go to a movie with anyone else. And it's true-we crack each other up to the point where we cause disturbances in the grocery store.

We've also noted that, even if we weren't, you know, married-we would still be friends.

How do you do it?

Hell, I don't know.

"Love is the condition when the happiness of another is essential to one's own."-Robert A. Heinlein

All I can say is we couldn't NOT do it-we fell into each other's arms and haven't stopped laughing since.

I have to believe, in this cold world, that this is possible for everyone.

k said...

That brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing it. I love that there are true love stories out there. And thank God one of them happened to you. Because you seem so mindful of it. So able to process the wonderful along with the desperate (meaning the world things that are out of our control, but completely maddening). That is a gift you know. MOst people are stuck in "horrible" or "fabulous" (obviously fewer in the latter category) but you seem to see both and allow them to live equally through you. I admire that so much.

It's just the journey that I am on. I love it and sometimes hate it. It makes me feel so fortunate and often lost. I get all the stuff...I really do. And I couldn't be more thankful for that, and sometimes, at the same time, frustrated. That's life though, isn't it?

Thanks Michael. :)

wednesday said...

Wishing for intimacy is very brave, I think. I have always been and "arm's length" kind of girl. It suits me, but I think most humans crave intimacy.

k said...

I think I crave the lessons it could teach me rather than the actual closeness. But, I have always been an "arm's length" girl...so I don't really know. It is scary all around. I'm still trying to figure out what fits me. I love that you know that for yourself already. :)

Leslie Shelor said...

It's a big seed to be planting but you wouldn't be doing it if you weren't ready...bravo girl!