Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year coming

Well, I've almost made it through another holiday without committing suicide. And if you think I am being flip here and making fun of something most serious...I assure you that I am not. It is a constant thought throughout the holidays and I do everything but tie myself down to keep it from happening. There are many people that would be confused about it for years, forever and I can't do that to them. It's also a terribly selfish act and I can't imagine going out that way. I want something natural to happen, it's just not occurring soon enough.

And here's the problem with me...I am a believer. I believe in magic. And I have NOT had a life that is conducive to that notion. If anything, I have had a life that would lead one to believe there's nothing to this world, or energy or existence. Instead, by some unknown benefactor, I got this belief in good, and hope and magic. But, here's the doesn't ever work out for me. Not ever. And so, as I packed up my Christmas decorations (why am I doing this to be like every other sweet family in the country, while I most certainly am not) I decided to become a non-believer. And at the same time realized that I would not know myself at all that way. But, is that a very bad thing?

I'm tired of being heartbroken. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of not waiting, just working my ass off to make it happen. I'm tired of thinking it will happen if I am enough. I'm never going to be enough.

I suppose that a non-believer lives a pretty flat life. Knowing only that the road is there, but not whether it might rise up to greet you. Knowing the moon is full, but not that some spirit lives there smiling down on us. Seeing that the grass is green, but not listening for its whisper of springtime or passing crowds of ants and bugs. I suppose that a non-believer just doesn't believe and only knows what's right there. And a non-believer doesn't live in her head, but just with what is right there. No possibility, but rather probability to the negative sort.

All this makes me sad of course. I don't know how to live this way. But, I think I am going to find out. YOu might even consider me resolved to it.


wednesday said...

I was talking to a friend once, and he said he would be unable to live if he didn't believe there was a higher being who had a plan for his life, and that everything, no matter how small, was fore-ordained, leading him to his ultimate destiny.

I remember thinking how funny it was that I felt the exact opposite. I couldn't go on if I knew everything was fore-ordained. Of course, that opened up the idea that even choosing to end it all is part of someone else's design. So you have to go on in order to prove there is no design...

k said...

Thanks. The holidays get me into such a funk that I don't know how to be who I am and be happy since being who I am at the holidays is not happy. I don't know if that makes sense. Happy New Year, Wednesday girl :)

Michael said...

I'm very glad to see you back, but saddened, slightly, to see your tone. I assure you I know whereof you speak, although one person can never know another's pain. As the Boss tells us, there's a darkness on the edge of town.

Comedian Doug Stanhope says suicide is like walking out in the middle of a lousy movie- you've seen the first half, what reason do you have to believe it's going to get any better?

Wednesday's friend has a point, but then again, Wednesday has a point too. It would be enormously comforting to know that this was all part of a plan, unrolling just the way the Maker intended. At the same time, it would be horrifying-what is the point of watching the baseball game when it has already been written in the Big Book that the Yankees beat the Red Sox, 5-4?

You talk in circles when you start thinking about this.

Some time ago, I read Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People, by Harold Kushner. He's a rabbi, but he is by no means heavy on the religious talk. (I recommend the book.)

He says that the reason why there is evil, in his view, is that God sets it up that way. God could compel obedience-he's God, you know-but what would be the point? If love of God is freely chosen, if you can do wrong, but don't, and do good instead-in a sense, God wins.

It would take extreme torture to get me to admit it in public, but one of the things that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other is the surprises. Billy Joel might put out another album. There will be another baseball season. I feel like, if not a plan, that there are things left for me to do and experience and, dare I say it, enjoy.

Remember what Linus and Charlie Brown said-

LINUS: What are we here for?
CB: To do good for others.
LINUS: What are the others here for?

fashionaddict said...

I don't quite know what would be the right thing to say here, though I wish I could say something that would be of use to you.

I tend to live things at the simple level, focussing what is before me and not dwelling on what I do not have or what did not work out. I am usually content with what I have. And I don't think of it as 'making do' with something.

Some things might not work out, but others might. It's not the same thing, but it some comfort and it still means something.

I hope you have a good year ahead, and hope to hear from you on your blog from time to time!

k said...

I'm always so gosh darn shocked that you're still reading this thing that I don't even know what to say. I was watching something on blogging (oh! it was Martha...should I admit that?) and she was saying what a wonderful method of communication it had become, and I agree. It felt amazing to see you here and listen to your thoughts alongside my own. Thank you for taking the time to respond...for stopping by on your daily run and leaving me with the gifts of you. :) Happy New Year.