Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Carved Out

I love fall. I do. It's the sweet spot in the year for me. I bought the largest pumpkin that I've ever bought yesterday at the market in our tiny town. I paid $4.99, which I love! Last year they were expensive. I never bought one...and looked at them longingly in the fields on my way to and fro. I thought of Linus and sitting out there with them waiting for the Great Pumpkin...because I do believe.

The word of the day has been patience. I have heard it in several sentences. Not always the actual word, but the thought, the idea. For me, patience is equal to and directly related to faith. And I have been "ye of little" for a long time now. I think it happened two years ago, when I finally got up the courage to ask for love in my annual Christmas wish, and two months later lost my dog. I was angry. And I never said it. I just questioned and questioned and questioned. And it began a cycle of questioning that I still live with every day. And I understand the substance of faith is about living without question. Believing in what will be and must happen and can come to pass. But, I felt robbed. And so I set up this pattern of no faith. Or some faith. The truth is that I am lost without it. We all are. But, me, I've lived that way. Through some horrible awful stuff, I marched on because I knew God had a plan for me, and I believed it would be the best plan. Now, I feel forgotten.

I've got some soul-searching to do. And in the meantime, I need to make myself believe just for short instances that we all deserve a little goodness, a bit of reprieve, moments of peace and love...you and me. I'll just have to breathe into it, in out, until it brings some harmony to my chaos.

8 comments:

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

OH MY GOSH....READ "THE SHACK". It is like $10 in paperback. You must read this!

I made this clinical and literary ASSumption based on your post.

Trust me, I am a Dr.

k said...

I will run right out then! What is the genre? Is it a new book or an old one? How will I find it?

ARen't you sweet, giving out free consultation. It must be the on-sale pumpkin pot :)

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

K~
Go to theshackbook.com

I had to read it....in the last 3 months one of my husbands employees and his wife were murdered, our house was broken into, then we had a visitor the following week that wouldn't leave our property that was drugged up, then my husbands brother was killed in a logging accident the following week......I needed this book. I am just starting it but I am hoping that it gives some clarity.

Michael said...

"The Shack" was written about in this week's Newsweek. I think, strictly speaking, it is fiction, but it might be under "inspiration".

For me, though, "The Last Lecture" is the way to go. An outstanding, funny, life affirming read.

As the great Billy Joel once put it at the end of a music video, "Keep the Faith, Kid."

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

Last Lecture....been there done that and if you have seen the guy interviewed you don't need to read the book. The shack is fictional/religious. I think it speaks more to your relationship with God minus the organized religious part. Last Lecture to me is not anything like that. Last Lecture is more about your relationships with people. I think they are 2 entirely different reads.

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

Or you could just skip both and read "Skinny Bitch".....love that too!

k said...

Thanks for the referrals! I will check them both out (you can never read too much in my opinion). My friend Kari just finished skinny bitch and loved it. I've leafed through it, but not sure it's for me. I'm one of those girls who eats pretty right and exercises her heart out, but still stays curvy. So, at this point I am just trying to grasp self-acceptance. It sounds funny though.

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

I read "skinny bitch" for a laugh....it is amazing to me how anyone can be soooo extreme in their eating. Life without cheeze???? I THINK NOT! Life w/out dairy??? NO WAY JOSE! Meat?? I could possibly do and have done in the past but sometimes a bacon cheeseburger is th only way to go....and no turkey on thanksgiving??? heavens no.