Sunday, September 7, 2008

Tail light

The dirt road smells of fox grapes. There are cows now to one side and the spotted dog wants so badly to give chase. So, we go zig-zagging down the road daily as big black cows watch us and probably chuckle to themselves. It isn't fair how gorgeous the day was considering how much havoc those hurricanes are causing. But, it was beautiful. And I skipped book club. We were going to talk about the favorite book of recent years (for me) Eat, Pray, Love. And I was so excited about that. But, a whole new crowd. And a "socialized" bunch...and I didn't feel like fitting in. I can. But, didn't want to. Less and less do I want to fit in to where I don't feel I fit. YOu know? I am less tolerant of the groups that cause me to work a lot for inclusion. This is a lovely group, I am sure. I just couldn't make myself do it.

I realized on Saturday that I want to run from my life right now. I want to leave everything...this house on the dirt road, my job that I have loved, the people that surround me daily. I want the next evolution of my life so badly that I would consider leaving all this behind. And that is crazy. I mean, really. Or is it?


wednesday said...

I always feel like running away in the fall. Must be a holdover from school days. Life is supposed to start fresh in September, isn't it? New friends, new place, new clothes. Once you get grown, September just means more of the same, and that gets awfully hard to take sometimes.

fashionaddict said...

It's not crazy at all. It beats going somewhere and having the thought hit you, 'why am I here?'.

Anyway evolution doesn't happen in clear stages, it's one tiny shift at a time, so maybe it's already happening, you're just waiting to be surprised by the day when you look up and think to yourself, 'how did I get here?'

Michael said...

Or: "Where does this highway go
to?" or, "Am I right? Am I wrong?" or, "This is not my beautiful house".

Or other Talking Heads lyrics of your choice.

Wednesday-I have noticed the same thing, but more strongly in the summer. Summer is baseball season, but other than that, the joy has been universally sucked out of it. "What did you do this summer?" "The same stuff I did in the winter, only sweatier."

It's not crazy to want to run away. Maybe it's crazier to stay.

We are all hunter gatherers at heart, I suppose.

k said...

W-What an interesting point. I never really thought about it that way. Makes sense though. And now, I don't feel so one-minded in my need to renew. :)

FAshion-I like your thoughts on evolution. And I hope that I am going to surprise myself, or better yet that life is on its way to surprising me.

Michael-I have never been afraid of movement. Standing still is more difficult for me. Which is why I second guess my thought to flee. It could be time just could be. :)

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

I am reading The Shack right now. Who Cares??? Probably no one, but I heard you mention book club. Too much pressure reading books at the same times as other and then having to "discuss". Phuck That!

k said...

What is The Shack? Haven't run across that one! :)