(She cringes.)

I thought this morning that what matters is what's on the inside. I said it over and over in my head, letting it churn up what it would. I read once that sometimes the mind is like this giant bodyguard that won't let you get at the core of things that you want to or feel ready to get to. And it seemed like I ran into that exact sentiment here. Because as the thought swelled up in me, and I began to realize its full intention, walls closed around it and left me alone looking at a box that wouldn't open or reveal its secrets to me.

It's not the easiest answer. It feels like one, because we all hate the way we are on the outside, well not all of us, but a lot of us. The reality is that the inside may be the eternal blocker no matter what the outside modifies itself to be. And I glimpsed that this morning. Just as I felt a breath of relief, the next idea was that this was so much more difficult.

I'm not simple. I long for it. I concentrate on the way the sunset looks reflected off my window and onto the picture frame in the living room. I think about light and speed and all sorts of things that I can't comprehend which make that occurance happen for me. It seems simple, the noticing, the occurance itself...but in reality, none of it is really simple. Light and reflections are processes. Giving my attention to something takes intention. None of it just happens, and yet it does.

I find that opening my life up, even a little bit, looking at the lives of others, it always leads to questions. I wonder if I am in the right place at the right time and what is next for me. I don't have so much faith in the process. I do think it's my responsibility to figure it out. Eddie said a lot about God and religion and the energy that we all have within. It's a load of responsibility to take away the sheep's path, to put the pursuit of a quality life in your own hands, to stop thinking about fate and destiny as road signs on your way through life's journey. I took up those thoughts and keep shifting them around to see what they taste like in the end. Am I doing the best I can with what I've got? It's the right question, but it's put me in a strange thinking place. That's okay I guess, harmony is always fleeting.

It was the first day back at work after 5 away, and that is always a headache. It seems that everything blew up while I was out and I had to hear about it. Plus, the usual catch up on all daily tasks piled up into one small monster. There's guilt there, no matter how hard I try to push it off. I feel terrible being away while others are there working. I know there's medication for that, and I should probably try it.

I hope to have a better post tomorrow. Definitely thought of trashing this one, but we all have these kind of days sometimes. Not to mention that I opened a 2001 Pinot (what am I thinking keeping a Pinot that long???) and of course, it was terrible, but I drank it anyway. Well, a glass. But, still too much. There's enough great wine in the world (in my cabinet!) to never have a soured glass. It just felt like the perfect ending to my day.

Good God, I'll stop now. I swear it.

On the (Concord) Road

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." Jack Kerouac On the Road

Leslie and Trinity looking too hip and cool.

Trinity and me...Leslie says we must brood and so we are...broodish.

Leslie and Trinity with pre-dinner wine and Coke.

French ONion soup by Leslie and sugar dusted brownies from Wal-mart...the perfect beginning and ending to another lovely evening with a new generation theme.

A-Loof

If you think about it, just the word is a bit curious, preposterous or otherwise ungangly. I started the week talking about Eddie (let's do still talk about Eddie by the way...offer anything, I am game!) talking about Americans being aloof. I am drawn to this concept because I consider myself quite aloof...and I don' like it at all. However, it is a difficult thing to break out from being and I tend to stay that way year after year even though I feel like I am tearing walls down inside. I don't engage easily, and sometimes I can even say that I dread engagement. That terrible moment when I am expected to say something, reveal my thoughts or just speak out loud.

I believe that's because I feel so different from everyone around me. But, let's face it folks, we are all human. And as much as we might not get one another sometimes, we all deserve a space. I've worked YEARS to get that one for myself, and it's been totally worth it to near the big 40 and suspect that I finally deserve to be here. Now, I think back to the title and think about how sometimes Aloofness partners with Snobbiness or thinking one is better than others. I would not mean for it to have that connection here, as I have yet to meet the person that I am better than at ANYTHING, much less everything or most things. I mean aloof in that quiet, stand back kind of way. Saying only what must be said, disengaged and seperate as a chosen stance. I don't like it in me. Mainly because it alludes to fear and fear is something I will not tolerate within myself anymore. There's been plenty of good reason for it, but it's now my time and I won't have it. I want to love and appreciate people the way that they deserve to be, and I want to give the world what it should get from me. And I fear that by standing back and not engaging...not only do I fail to do that, but I may be missing a fairly good time.

I am a watcher. It may be that I can't move too far from that box, but I hate boxes, so that's another reason to grow into the next evolution of me. It's funny how every way you try to protect yourself from movement in a better direction, sounds stupid when you write it down. I cannot just "roll on up in there" as my friend Trinity would say. I can try more, and give more and try to be less selfish in my life. I can definitely love more and therefore be more...and I do think all that comes back to you twofold.

Just some thoughts on a Tuesday. I had dinner with my friend Angela last night, delivered the Eddie t-shirt, and she gets so thrilled over books, movies and the simplicities of life. I left there knowing that there are so many ways to be happy and once you are, it is so easy to share it or pass it around. That was, I guess, my Cinco De Mayo gift from the universe...coupled with margaritas of course.

Farmers' Market in Arlington

A carefully chosen handful of these beauties for Jane. She will turn them into poetic black and white photos or colors bent by the afternoon sun of a warmed window.

Aren't these jazzy gorgeous??? I so wanted to buy some, but couldn't make them suffer the hot trip home with me. I imagine the tiny nuances of flavor found in each shade, and the fresh infancy of their sweetness.

Each tent was so beautifully set up. These folks really have their act together. I bought amazing Kalamata bread. Just had two pieces toasted for breakfast. Also bought the most fabulous cookies from a cookie maker who lets you sample every flavor! How decadent is that?

I bought a beautiful charm at a jewelry place that Jane loves. Really nice people all over the place and they all loved Jane. It was a sweet wandering.

Moondance

Sometimes it is that which is most in contrast to your idea/path/story/soul (fill in your own blank here) that reveals more clearly who are you are by showing you what you are not. I always think it's funny that the very sharpest lessons are taught by the simplest message.

Eddie Izzard (and we may be talking about him all week long, because as I have previously mentioned I am in my "after" crush phase and that will take a bit to wear off) said the he hoped Europeans would someday travel to the moon. He said that when Americans stepped onto the moon, everything was very calm, very rational and somewhat boring. And that if the English stepped onto the moon, they would be dancing, running, looking for monsters, making a joyful noise. And I thought how for years I had felt like America was the rowdy child and everyone else made good sense. But, when he said this, the way he said it...I thought that America is the child who doesn't make sense and acts aloof about the whole thing. While some of the rest of the world hams it up a bit, gets wise about taking themselves too seriously, and says boo to our aloof-ness.

I want to go back and read to see if this is making sense, but I won't let myself yet...there are too many things in my head. Edit later (if I remember!).

Not knowing everything is one of my favorite things about life. Believing in absurd consequences is also one of my favorite things. Being sure that each person that I run into has a message especially for me is one of the most magical things about running the rat race. Sometimes you get it quickly, and sometimes I believe it spans years of time. But, even when they don't know it, people teach me the most amazing things. What is great about that is that I can do with it what I'd like. Absorb or refract.

It felt good to be in the city. And Washington is full of nice folks. I actually stayed in Arlington which is like a lovely old town where things are happening and life is a-buzz. I ate at the best Mexican restaurant and had two lovely pomengranate margaritas (what a combination of health juice and tequila madness) and Ceviche. I never order this soup unless I am confident in my surroundings, because if it doesn't taste fresh and if the seafood isn't firm and salty buttery it could be the worst thing I'd eat all year. But, my friend made me confident and I ordered it and I was ever so delighted with it.

I left there a bit caught up. Cities always rev my mental engine. I think of possibility, probability and potential journeys that the every moment there might offer me. And it takes me a bit to come down from that high thought. It makes me want to be someone that I am not...just a tiny bit. I want to be the girl who runs to and fro in her high heels and houndstooth skirt. I want to be having 5 o'clock drinks with a social network that challenges and gets me. I want to breathe the night air of taxi's rushing by my sidewalk, and hear the happy voices of couples exiting a bar. But, I leave it exhausted, and knowing that I am not at that place anymore. I would hunker down in my too expensive apartment. I would become wary of humanity and traffic and rudeness and carelessness and I wouldn't visit the museums because it would be so easy. I wouldn't meet friends after work because I would need to find quiet somehow, desperately. I would not learn the things I am passionate about learning in this lifetime.

It is this place that makes me feel lucky to have visited that one. And this place that gives me the strength to look into rather than over people. It is the quiet that I share here with the dog and the two cats and the rabbit that makes that trip out for Ceviche on a Saturday night so special and alive. There is no this without that.

What about us makes the view so moderate? Where's the heart of America these days? I can tell you this much for certain, if I ever make it to the moon I'll definitely be dancing with Eddie. I'm just that kinda girl.

S T R I P P E D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are so many thoughts in my head about the weekend, that I feel this will be an unraveling of sorts and different realizations or thoughts will come out as the week goes along. What I want to be sure and say clearly and first thing is that if you get the opportunity to see this show live...DO IT! It was fabulous. Eddie was so so so so so so SOOOOOOOOOOO gorgeous in person. He wore jeans and great shoes, a grey t-shirt and a jacket with long black lapels in the back. B E A U T I F U L. And my friend Kari says that I need help for this, but he could wear whatever women's wear he wanted to and I'd never kick him outta bed. He was smokin'! Good review from the Boston show here.

His agenda this time was religion...and the show was so tight that I can think of very few times I wasn't laughing loudly. It definitely gives Dressed to Kill some tough competition. And it's the only other show of his that I would classify that way. HOnestly, I couldn't tell you which show I enjoyed more out of the two.

If you get the chance, go see him...I would pay the money all over again right now. He was fantastic and better than I thought he even could be in person. This is the top of the tour...first stop was Boston. He's in NYC in June. Do it, I swear you will love it!

More later, I need to unpack and get settled home.

Just one more thing before I go then...

CAke or Death?

Ciao!