I thought this morning that what matters is what's on the inside. I said it over and over in my head, letting it churn up what it would. I read once that sometimes the mind is like this giant bodyguard that won't let you get at the core of things that you want to or feel ready to get to. And it seemed like I ran into that exact sentiment here. Because as the thought swelled up in me, and I began to realize its full intention, walls closed around it and left me alone looking at a box that wouldn't open or reveal its secrets to me.
It's not the easiest answer. It feels like one, because we all hate the way we are on the outside, well not all of us, but a lot of us. The reality is that the inside may be the eternal blocker no matter what the outside modifies itself to be. And I glimpsed that this morning. Just as I felt a breath of relief, the next idea was that this was so much more difficult.
I'm not simple. I long for it. I concentrate on the way the sunset looks reflected off my window and onto the picture frame in the living room. I think about light and speed and all sorts of things that I can't comprehend which make that occurance happen for me. It seems simple, the noticing, the occurance itself...but in reality, none of it is really simple. Light and reflections are processes. Giving my attention to something takes intention. None of it just happens, and yet it does.
I find that opening my life up, even a little bit, looking at the lives of others, it always leads to questions. I wonder if I am in the right place at the right time and what is next for me. I don't have so much faith in the process. I do think it's my responsibility to figure it out. Eddie said a lot about God and religion and the energy that we all have within. It's a load of responsibility to take away the sheep's path, to put the pursuit of a quality life in your own hands, to stop thinking about fate and destiny as road signs on your way through life's journey. I took up those thoughts and keep shifting them around to see what they taste like in the end. Am I doing the best I can with what I've got? It's the right question, but it's put me in a strange thinking place. That's okay I guess, harmony is always fleeting.
It was the first day back at work after 5 away, and that is always a headache. It seems that everything blew up while I was out and I had to hear about it. Plus, the usual catch up on all daily tasks piled up into one small monster. There's guilt there, no matter how hard I try to push it off. I feel terrible being away while others are there working. I know there's medication for that, and I should probably try it.
I hope to have a better post tomorrow. Definitely thought of trashing this one, but we all have these kind of days sometimes. Not to mention that I opened a 2001 Pinot (what am I thinking keeping a Pinot that long???) and of course, it was terrible, but I drank it anyway. Well, a glass. But, still too much. There's enough great wine in the world (in my cabinet!) to never have a soured glass. It just felt like the perfect ending to my day.
Good God, I'll stop now. I swear it.