Oh! And I still love him. I had just barely walked through the door from two miles on the bike and it began to rain. I think the big guy was watching out for me, or the girl...could be either. It's a soft rain, bringing cool breezes through the upstairs window. The spotted dog is more out of breath than me (which is amazing, because I didn't think one could stand upright and be more out of breath than me) so I suspect he had one of his anxiety attacks while I was away. For some reason, he still believes that I will leave him...like some stupid farmer left him in a barn when he was tiny and all alone. I cannot convince him otherwise, no matter how much love I give. Some of us are just broken, and there's naught to be done about it....just pour more love on 'em.
It appears to be trying to storm...which I LOVE, but my computer may not. So, I will shut down for now and check back later. Ciao!
It appears to be trying to storm...which I LOVE, but my computer may not. So, I will shut down for now and check back later. Ciao!
5 comments:
"The world breaks everyone, and afterwards some are strong at the broken places."
That's Hemingway, as close as my brain can render. Fitzgerald also wrote in "The Crack Up" about the heartbroken human soul being like a dinner plate with a chip in it. You can mend the chip, and then use it to serve cookies, and put it back in the cabinet, but it will never be the same plate again.
I sometimes feel like my marriage has been like this, continually rolling the rock back up the hill, trying to show my beloved, with word and deed and gesture and sheer permanence, that I am devoted and I am here and I am not going anywhere. I am not getting any offers, parenthetically, but even if I were, there is absolutely no one I have ever known who I enjoy the company of more than her.
It's been 14 years this October, and I'm still fighting to make her understand this.
We all get the emotional crap beat out of us....is there any other way??? If so, I never saw it. Trudge on and trudge forth....it is not an easy road. My mom once said "Happiness is not something you arrive at.....it is the road you take to get there". I told this to my friend the other day and she replied "Where is the phucking detour because I got off on the wrong exit". That gave me quite a chuckle. It seems so many people are truly unhappy at heart. I have found that it takes work to be happy if you have lived negatively most of your life. I am willing to put in the extra hours to be happy....because although the latter might be easier it still drains you emotionally. Am I making any sense??? This probably has NOTHING to do with your post. I am rambling. I get a good thought and I have to go with it....doesn't happen often.
Michael - It took me one horse and a lot of therapy to realize that with trust or love or faith in love, you kinda have to decide to do it and then work at it every day to make it eventually come true. I have not conquered this in an intimate relationship, but I have begun to be able to do it in friendships and with some relatives. I used to think I could love anyone, but they couldn't love me. One day a friend pointed out how unfair it was for me to deny someone's love and I got it. Got it right there...how wrong that was, how impossible it felt from the other side. The horse just kicked the hell out of me when I didn't trust her enough to walk up around her. As soon as I got close in my jittery nervousness, she kicked me with both back feet. And from then on, I approached her like I was meant to be there, and it never happened again.
Obsessed - I am right there with you on happiness. I do have to work at it. I also have to realize that it isn't a constant state of being. I do acheive it, and it feels fabulous. But, when it passes, I am getting better at letting it go, knowing it will return again. I've learned much from this adopted dog and his anxieties. My last dog was very settled...she came to me from a breeder and she had it all figured out. This guy is more like me, and we seem to be bumbling along together.
Thanks for writing...it's so good to hear from other people about these ideas.
I'll be honest with you...I love the broken-ness. The humility it takes to own it. And the nuance of jagged edges. People that are too fixed frighten me way more than the broken ones.
Apropos of nothing...Obsessed-I love "phucking". That's great. It carries the impact of the curse word without actually being the curse word. It phucking rocks!
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