Tuesday, May 6, 2008

A-Loof

If you think about it, just the word is a bit curious, preposterous or otherwise ungangly. I started the week talking about Eddie (let's do still talk about Eddie by the way...offer anything, I am game!) talking about Americans being aloof. I am drawn to this concept because I consider myself quite aloof...and I don' like it at all. However, it is a difficult thing to break out from being and I tend to stay that way year after year even though I feel like I am tearing walls down inside. I don't engage easily, and sometimes I can even say that I dread engagement. That terrible moment when I am expected to say something, reveal my thoughts or just speak out loud.

I believe that's because I feel so different from everyone around me. But, let's face it folks, we are all human. And as much as we might not get one another sometimes, we all deserve a space. I've worked YEARS to get that one for myself, and it's been totally worth it to near the big 40 and suspect that I finally deserve to be here. Now, I think back to the title and think about how sometimes Aloofness partners with Snobbiness or thinking one is better than others. I would not mean for it to have that connection here, as I have yet to meet the person that I am better than at ANYTHING, much less everything or most things. I mean aloof in that quiet, stand back kind of way. Saying only what must be said, disengaged and seperate as a chosen stance. I don't like it in me. Mainly because it alludes to fear and fear is something I will not tolerate within myself anymore. There's been plenty of good reason for it, but it's now my time and I won't have it. I want to love and appreciate people the way that they deserve to be, and I want to give the world what it should get from me. And I fear that by standing back and not engaging...not only do I fail to do that, but I may be missing a fairly good time.

I am a watcher. It may be that I can't move too far from that box, but I hate boxes, so that's another reason to grow into the next evolution of me. It's funny how every way you try to protect yourself from movement in a better direction, sounds stupid when you write it down. I cannot just "roll on up in there" as my friend Trinity would say. I can try more, and give more and try to be less selfish in my life. I can definitely love more and therefore be more...and I do think all that comes back to you twofold.

Just some thoughts on a Tuesday. I had dinner with my friend Angela last night, delivered the Eddie t-shirt, and she gets so thrilled over books, movies and the simplicities of life. I left there knowing that there are so many ways to be happy and once you are, it is so easy to share it or pass it around. That was, I guess, my Cinco De Mayo gift from the universe...coupled with margaritas of course.

4 comments:

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

Totally understand where you are coming from!!! I hear margaritas help w/aloofness hehehehe. Glad you are upbeat about nearing the big 40. I turn 38 in a couple of mmonths and I am dreading it. Who said it was OK to turn 38???? I WAS NEVER supposed to turn 38!!!!

k said...

It's funny, right? I am told that I still look much younger, and so far the health is holding out...so it's not hitting me fully yet. But, what a transition. They says that your 40's are the new 30's and I guess we'll soon see about that!

Michael said...

I am turning 37 this year, so I'm right in this boat with y'all.

And doesn't everything go better with margaritas? Including tire irons, roadkill, and the covers of paperback books?

I think Americans are not aloof so much as disinterested. On one of Eddie's CDs, recorded in New York, he mentions Africa, I think, then pauses, sighs, and says "You do know there are other countries?"

I, too, have long believed that there is someone,usually several someones, who is better at everything. My profession, or baseball history, or plumbing, or parenting....I don't think I'm the best at anything.

I'm aloof because I know that my politics, my thoughts on religion, my thoughts on virtually anything both can't be explained succinctly and probably won't be shared by anyone else.

I'm aloof because I don't decorate, as the great Henry Rollins puts it. I don't feel that anyone needs, or indeed really wants, my opinion.

I'm aloof because it simply doesn't matter how I feel about it.

I'm aloof because, dammit, it's my right. It's not like they're going to listen to me anyway.

k said...

Michael - laughing. Okay, good argument. I guess I worry a lot about how it feels from the other side. I worry that I could change and be less complicated...but God knows how to do that?! I worry, well...that I just don't have it right yet. And that's a no brainer, because who does? I think I just want to figure it out and do life the best way before it's over. More margaritas could be the answer. :)