A-Loof

If you think about it, just the word is a bit curious, preposterous or otherwise ungangly. I started the week talking about Eddie (let's do still talk about Eddie by the way...offer anything, I am game!) talking about Americans being aloof. I am drawn to this concept because I consider myself quite aloof...and I don' like it at all. However, it is a difficult thing to break out from being and I tend to stay that way year after year even though I feel like I am tearing walls down inside. I don't engage easily, and sometimes I can even say that I dread engagement. That terrible moment when I am expected to say something, reveal my thoughts or just speak out loud.

I believe that's because I feel so different from everyone around me. But, let's face it folks, we are all human. And as much as we might not get one another sometimes, we all deserve a space. I've worked YEARS to get that one for myself, and it's been totally worth it to near the big 40 and suspect that I finally deserve to be here. Now, I think back to the title and think about how sometimes Aloofness partners with Snobbiness or thinking one is better than others. I would not mean for it to have that connection here, as I have yet to meet the person that I am better than at ANYTHING, much less everything or most things. I mean aloof in that quiet, stand back kind of way. Saying only what must be said, disengaged and seperate as a chosen stance. I don't like it in me. Mainly because it alludes to fear and fear is something I will not tolerate within myself anymore. There's been plenty of good reason for it, but it's now my time and I won't have it. I want to love and appreciate people the way that they deserve to be, and I want to give the world what it should get from me. And I fear that by standing back and not engaging...not only do I fail to do that, but I may be missing a fairly good time.

I am a watcher. It may be that I can't move too far from that box, but I hate boxes, so that's another reason to grow into the next evolution of me. It's funny how every way you try to protect yourself from movement in a better direction, sounds stupid when you write it down. I cannot just "roll on up in there" as my friend Trinity would say. I can try more, and give more and try to be less selfish in my life. I can definitely love more and therefore be more...and I do think all that comes back to you twofold.

Just some thoughts on a Tuesday. I had dinner with my friend Angela last night, delivered the Eddie t-shirt, and she gets so thrilled over books, movies and the simplicities of life. I left there knowing that there are so many ways to be happy and once you are, it is so easy to share it or pass it around. That was, I guess, my Cinco De Mayo gift from the universe...coupled with margaritas of course.