Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Cha Cha Cha

Sometimes I forget I can be different. It is within my power to be different, and sometimes I forget that. Not even sometimes, but most all the time. I forget I can be different. Not that this is bad and that is better. But that is not what I am doing now and so it might work for me, when this isn't. And I totally forget that.

Today was lousy. Day three of getting bombarded by other people's stuff and never digging into my own. And I got home and I didn't know what to do with myself. I had to mow the lawn, and therefore I mowed. Then, I ate rice and some grilled chicken. And day old rice...not the ticket. Well, not the ticket to anywhere fabulous (can't lose that word this week). I know it feeds a lot of people quite well, and I'm not knocking it because it brought me all the way through college. But, it is what it is and recooked rice is not good food. So, I sat and felt sorry for the pathetic creature that I am. Then, I watched a movie - Atonement. Read the book, quite lovely. Never wanted to keep watching the movie until Vanessa Redgrave did the last 10 minutes or so and then I was mesmerized. This means that I FF'd most of it and only really watched the last ten. One can do this when they have read the novel. Still I felt pathetic. Perhaps more so, since Redgrave in her infinite captivating way showed me what real women can be, ageless and rare and exquisite and mysterious even at the end of their lifetime (not to say she is dying...but older than I am). Then, I came here and no one was writing.

It's what happened next that brings me to the "I can be different" revelation. I looked at my walkman, broken slightly from the woods toss two days ago. And I knew it would never make the trip. Just one more reason not to run. (I had already decided not to bike because it looks stormy...and I go farther when I bike and cannot convince myself to stay close to home). Then, I looked at the spotted dog...wayyyyyyy too energetic. And then, something that felt like pure anger welled up inside of me and I just took the blue leash from the wall, snapped it on Bently's collar and ran out the door and up the road, leaving two cats meowing in the distance. I ran and I ran and I ran to the creek (not even one full mile don't be impressed) and I stopped (because the dog had to pee) and I thought...this is a different me. Regular old me would rather stay in the house, feel bad about myself and build a case of abuse and neglect against my already suffering character. This was different me. And just for that, I put one foot in front of the other and ran all the way back to the church (halfway) until I needed a breather (some uphill here) and the dog needed a potty break. We met cats there and we all ran back to the house together.

Now, I'm not going to say that will happen tomorrow OR the next day. But, it happened today, and that's good enough for me. It's so easy to forget how much power I have over my own life. Because there are so many things I don't have power over. But once in a while, I get the chance to see myself differently. It doesn't make the bad stuff go away, it doesn't change the small realities that are just me. But, it gives me an inkling of my own hutzbah, and I like that.


fashionaddict said...

Intense. I feel like sometimes you go through thinks to get to a certain place, and perhaps contentment or "fabulous-ness" deprives one of self-discovery?

k said...

Well, that's an idea. I do think it's all about the journey. Thanks for stopping by.