Matinee

Well, I cried again...watching Good Will Hunting. This may be the 10th time I've run into it on the tv midday when I need a cleaning break. And I forget its many messages, how it makes me laugh and believe in common genius, how I always cry because there's so much truth in the idea that we take the blame for everything instead of realizing that life is a hit and be hit situation sometimes. When you get hit early in life, before you learn self-defense, sometimes you spend your entire life taking credit for all the bad stuff. Waiting for the other brick to fall. Pre-supposing that you won't do well for yourself.

I guess that in any controlled atmosphere, it is necessary to keep the masses at low energy. It makes sense that were we all too full of our own importance, we would not share space as well as we do. I understand it, how it works and why. I don't get how we, how I have such a terribly difficult time accepting it to be the exercise that it is...why do I take it so seriously, so personally?

I hated the roadrunner cartoons, Bugs bunny, tweety and sylvester...all those guys. They bought into the same idea that one is strong and weak minded while the other is smart and doesn't need strength. It's wrong though. Inner strength is necessary for all paths, and I believe it to be the most difficult to master. It means going against the conformist ideas that you learn from birth. It means believing in your self regardless of how you compare to everything, everyone else. It is a solo march in a troop universe. And although we set ourselves up pretty well to survive, I don't think we know how to thrive as individuals. I don't know how to do it. It's number one on my agenda, but no one's teaching it.

I think I cry every time because I know how fragile we all are, and how much we have the ability to help one another if we aren't afraid. As I age, I find myself more scared though, and that tells me that I am veering off path in ways that I don't want to go.

I don't like them apples.