Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sometimes it just HAS to be all about ME.

Well, I have hurt my friend's feelings or made him mad or something...and I'm not sure which. Being the up front honest girl that I am, I will ask him the next time I see him and find out...because I don't like being in the dark about these type things.

Yes, I am nearing 40. Yes, I am very shy and insecure. And Yes, I am terrible, terrible, terrible when it comes to men. I love loving them from afar. I love the idea of them. Everything mostly about them. But, I am terrible when it comes to men. So, I asked my friend to help me find out about the mechanic who is nice, and care-full and kinda cute across the road (from where my friend works). And he scooped once, and since has seemed hesitant about it. So, I've asked him...do you get a strange vibe from this guy? No. Do you think he wouldn't be interested in the likes of me? No. I'm getting nothing but a strange vibe from my friend that smells like, "I don't want to do this." Which is very unlike my friend. He's usually very supportive and all about helping people be happy. But, he's had a rough year and he could be in such a bad place that he cannot see a good one for anyone else.

But, dammit, I need him. And sometimes, you deserve a kickback on time served. I've served time this past year. I want a kickback.

Don't say my friend secretly loves me, because I can't say why that isn't true...but trust me when I say there's no way that it's true. It's not me being modest. It's me keeping a secret. He loves someone, but she's not me.

Am I being terribly terrible with my friend? Asking for kickbacks when he doesn't seem to want to give them? Or do you sometimes just have to reach out and kick the bucket so folks will help you when you need help? I've never been very good at that, always kept to the background. So, that's another part...I am changing and I want to be 50% of the relationships I am in...and maybe that's not the kind of friendship my friend wants.

(I'm a little sad. But, I'll get over it.)


Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

Well I was going to say he was in love with YOU hahaha but you got me in the next paragraph. Hmmmm, maybe he is not happy and doesn't want anyone else to be happy??? Maybe he is afraid if you hook up w/someone else then you won't be there for him as a friend??? I guess you could psycho-anal-yze it to the end. I know I would hahahah, I get obsessive that way...hence the name. I know what you mean about being 50% in..everyone has to give and take some but when you are constantly on the short end of the friend stick it sucks.

k said...

Obsessed - thanks for getting it. He's not in love with me... trust me on that one. He could be afraid of my leaving as that is sortof the difficult situation he is going through (although a thousand zillion times less zany or complicated). We've been in a pattern for a long time of my being the listener and him being the needy one...and transitioning away from that once you've done it for a while can be challenging.

I'm sure he wants me to be happy. He just may be so inwardly focused right now that he can't focus on anyone else.

All this being said, he is one of the most fabulous people I know. I just want him to be fabulous and help ME!!

Michael said...

Well, I have a few years of experience at being a guy, so maybe I should take a shot at this.

Firstly, don't entirely discount his not having feelings for you. Guys are really, really good at burying their true feelings. Trust me on this one.

Secondly, and more importantly, guys don't DO that. They don't talk to other guys about romantic stuff. They just don't. There's a Bill Engvall routine where he describes telling his wife about a friend who is getting divorced, and his wife is full of questions-'what happened? did she cheat on him? did he cheat on her?' And he has to answer that he doesn't know.

Guys don't talk about this kind of stuff. If another guy asks about it, we'll chime in, but if he doesn't talk about it, we assume he doesn't want to talk about it.

Sounds crazy, I know.

Your point about transitioning is a good one-it is hard for the one who is always neck deep in drama to become the listener. But I think, more importantly, that it is just hard for men to talk about these things with each other.

Michael said...

In addition, I do think you are entitled to the giveback, though. You've made enough deposits in the friend bank, you're entitled to a withdrawal.

Michael said...

In addition, I do think you are entitled to the giveback, though. You've made enough deposits in the friend bank, you're entitled to a withdrawal.

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

I have to 2nd what Michael said....I live w/4 guys. 2 of whom have reiterated his exact same thoughts numerous times. "Guys don't talk about that stuff".... my reply is "well ALL the gay guys I know and love do". So apparently "heterosexual" men do not discuss these things. Now if heterosexual guys could just have the gay purrrsonality minus the sexual thang we could have a pretty damn good relationship and no more of this Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus crap!!!!!!! Damn MEN!

k said...

Michael - I get it...I do. My friend is so not the typical male that I sometimes forget he is one. And your point is well made. I did send him an email last night (after my ranting) and he pretty much confirmed my idea that he's in such a rotten place he's having a difficult time seeing about anyone else. It made me feel better. These situations always "let" me think it's about me and I"m not worth someone's time that way, or they really think there's no hope for me and just don't want to say it.
You get the picture...I use it to be brutal with myself if I don't get to the bottom of it and hear other answers. Thanks for writing from a guy's perspective. As I said before, I am terrible with your kind and therefore miss all sorts of possible answers.

Obsessed - ha ha! I know what you mean.

Michael said...

I'm not so great with my kind either, but thanks for the kind words.

I'm reminded of the Jeff Foxworthy joke-"Ladies, when you look at your man, and you wonder, what is he THINKING? You know what the answer is? Nothing."

I got my hair cut today, (actually, I got them all cut) (badoom-crash!)
and as I walked across the parking lot, I saw the barber who owns the place out front on a lawn chair with one of his female employees. She was animatedly talking to him, and he was responding, but not really saying a lot in response.

I don't know this for a fact, but I am willing to bet you, on some level, he was thinking, "Will you please shut up?"

She was the one who cut my hair (you can have appointments at this place, but they take walk ins, too, and I just take whoever is free.) and she talked through the whole thing.

Which is fine-she's not a bad person. But I would have been just as happy, and probably, truth be told, a bit happier, if she didn't say anything at all.

Leslie Shelor said...

You have every right for it to be about YOU sometimes, and you're not asking for much. The good news, maybe, is that friend brought the subject up to me this morning without any prompting!