Well, I have hurt my friend's feelings or made him mad or something...and I'm not sure which. Being the up front honest girl that I am, I will ask him the next time I see him and find out...because I don't like being in the dark about these type things.
Yes, I am nearing 40. Yes, I am very shy and insecure. And Yes, I am terrible, terrible, terrible when it comes to men. I love loving them from afar. I love the idea of them. Everything mostly about them. But, I am terrible when it comes to men. So, I asked my friend to help me find out about the mechanic who is nice, and care-full and kinda cute across the road (from where my friend works). And he scooped once, and since has seemed hesitant about it. So, I've asked him...do you get a strange vibe from this guy? No. Do you think he wouldn't be interested in the likes of me? No. I'm getting nothing but a strange vibe from my friend that smells like, "I don't want to do this." Which is very unlike my friend. He's usually very supportive and all about helping people be happy. But, he's had a rough year and he could be in such a bad place that he cannot see a good one for anyone else.
But, dammit, I need him. And sometimes, you deserve a kickback on time served. I've served time this past year. I want a kickback.
Don't say my friend secretly loves me, because I can't say why that isn't true...but trust me when I say there's no way that it's true. It's not me being modest. It's me keeping a secret. He loves someone, but she's not me.
Am I being terribly terrible with my friend? Asking for kickbacks when he doesn't seem to want to give them? Or do you sometimes just have to reach out and kick the bucket so folks will help you when you need help? I've never been very good at that, always kept to the background. So, that's another part...I am changing and I want to be 50% of the relationships I am in...and maybe that's not the kind of friendship my friend wants.
(I'm a little sad. But, I'll get over it.)