Thursday, June 12, 2008

Day 3

I'm still not happy. And that's okay, because there are so very many emotions to choose from these days, right? I find myself longing to be quiet, not take part and just step back a bit from everyone. I overcome that because work doesn't work that way, and people would be hurt at the country store if I walked in, paid for fuel and just left. So, I talk and I get pedicures. Well, I got A pedicure (the second of my life) and now my toes (so soft with trickles of almond oil) are painted "Cajun Shrimp". Why this appealed to me more than the Rendevous at Midnight or My Chihuahua bites....I"m not quite certain. But, the color is ablaze, and it looks sturdy...which is good, knowing me the way I do.

It is better now, the sad part of me feels like a long rectangular room at the top of my chest. It's a heavy room, but it doesn't overwhelm me with sadness so much. The door seems shut and I just feel the weight of it. It's so hard to put yourself out there. It's so hard to find anyone here to feel like putting yourself out there for. And then my friend made it seem like things were swimming along and either they were and something happened just lately or they never were. And finding the truth from him seems nearly impossible. I believe that he believes what he says, he is sincere. And yet, it doesn't quite make sense.

But people don't always make sense, do they? In fact, they rarely make sense. We're going to hash it out tomorrow night. Sit down face to face and get through it and go on from there.

I miss the hope. The believing. And now life feels like work again...well, it is work like always, but there's nothing to make the day snap. YOu know? And I miss that feeling - that - something may be shifting in the universe - feeling. That- love might come looking for me at last - type feeling.

I'm trying to just be with it. This too shall pass.

My friend at work wants me to try the computer stuff...but I really don't think so. I am such an energy's what draws me. I think getting to know a potential date/mate through the computer is dangerous because at some point you know them so well that meeting them is completely terrifying. The expectations feel impossible. And while I can be quite communicative in writing, in person I can be terribly shy and quiet and utter four words all night. It's not the answer for me, personally. Although I think it is a great vehicle for some.

I don't know. This just feels awful. I know you know what I mean.


Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

My Chiahuahua BITES....I know I speeled that wrong too. Sounds kinky!

k said...

Yeah...who the heck knows how to spell THAT on the fly? Not me, muchacho! Just head on down to your local spa and look it up! :)

Michael said...

I like the image of the heaviness of it. The weight of life-like you have to wear that leaded gown they put on you when you get an XRay-except you can't take it off, now.

I don't have a lot of snap, or crackle, or pop, for that matter-either. Was it Camus who said the first question of philosophy is suicide? It is, isn't it? I mean, if you're going to do that, all the other questions are moot, right?

And you're not-at least, I hope you're not. And I'm not. Again, I hope not. But why? Why go on in a world that seems cruelly designed to thwart any and all hope of joy, or freedom, or anything other than unending toil and turmoil?

I don't know.

I guess I do because despite my protests to the contrary, there are people who care about me and would miss me. I do because, in the same corner of my heart that kept watching last night's basketball game when the bad guys were up by 20 points with the game more than halfway over, I keep believing that things can get better, if only a little.

I know sports metaphors are grotesquely inappropriate by nature , but hear me out. When the Celtics were trailing last night, one of the things the coach kept telling them was they had to "make plays". In basketball speak, he meant that each man on the floor had to make something positive happen, each moment.

There aren't any 20 point plays in basketball. Like life, you have to take on a 20 point lead one thing at a time. First thing is, stop them from scoring. Then, get points of our own. Next, stop them again. Then get another point.

That's something I'm trying to get my son (and sometimes, my wife) to appreciate. When faced with a large task, you cannot take on the entire task. Just do one positive thing. It doesn't matter what. Then do another.

Get a rebound, or maybe a steal. Block a shot. Set a pick or throw a pass so your teammate can score.

Just do something positive. Then breathe. Then do something else.

Getting a pedicure is a good start. Then drink a glass of wine, or give $5 to public radio, or something. Or go down to the garage and punch him in the face.

As long as it's something positive.


k said...

Oh Michael...that totally works. And it's true, if you aren't going to choose death then the only alternative is life. And choosing life but not living it, is cowardly. And apathetic.

I won't punch him because he's perfectly able to not like me. I will do one thing at a time. And right now, that is go have dinner and fix things with my friend.