I made a trip to the sporting goods store for festival coolers yesterday and while I was walking through the mall, I passed a jewelry store. The kind that displays diamonds, diamonds, diamonds. And I thought how I have only once been to that counter - with my best friend's now husband to look at the ring he had picked out for proposal. But, I have never been there to look for my own ring. I've never even considered it. And this could be two-fold. The outside layer would be that I am all about getting a deal, so I shop for clothes at Ross or TJMaxx rather than Belk or Macy's. So, I would probably never shop a jewelry store for a diamond, but then I really don't know where else you'd find them. Unless it was a pawn shop, which might not be as romantic?
The second layer, the core of it, is that I was taught to believe that no one would ever want me. Much less want to marry me. That is so far off my idea of this life that just writing it "marry me" sounds absurd.
And this caused me to wonder if you have to entertain even the broadest dreams to begin to make the smallest advances? I almost stepped up to the counter, but it felt crazy. And I was certain that the staff would come out laughing and asking what I was thinking. So, I will wait for a busier day, and sneak up on the side to just put that on my list of done deeds. I still have a lot of work to do to banish the voice in my head, branded into me very long ago. I realize this at the oddest times, but at least I am becoming more aware.
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4 comments:
I think I've told you before that author Anne Lamott calls that voice in your head KFKD-K-Fucked Radio.
Sometimes the first step to turning down the radio is noticing that there IS a radio.
Yay! I can comment now!
No jewelry salesperson is ever going to laugh at a potential sale, and women buy more jewelry than men...so find yourself a saleswoman, tell her you are looking to reward yourself for not making a foolish choice in men, and try on every stinking diamond in the place.
hey M, you did tell me the radio station, but it's a nice reminder! I do think the awareness is the first step.
Oh W - that is a big jump, right? Sounds terribly scary, which is all the more reason to do it, of course!
I think wednesday is hinting that there's such a thing as a smart choice in men. I would offer that proposition may be debatable.
The only time I ever saw "Wild Horses" performed was when Guns N Roses did it after a guitar solo. Stunning.
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