Sunday, March 2, 2008

Put a tune to this.

If my friend Jonathon were here, he'd say, "Kym, keep it simple. Don't worry about things so much" And then, he would prepare dinner for no less than three hours, his wife would tuck the four children into bed around 9pm (just after we finished) and then she'd kiss his cheek and head to bed. He would say to me, as he has a hundred times, "do you wanna hear some new music?" and we'd go outside on the back porch, where he'd play his guitar and sing, interjecting this or that story in between songs. Finally around midnight, I decide to leave (and this never happens) because Johnathon walks me to my car and we get into a long discourse on constellations (of which I know little and he knows much) which leads us inevitably to my favorite part, which is the philosophizing of life. And this could last till 2:30am or worse. I miss him. I never went as often as I sometimes may have wanted to...because he got me, in ways that few people do. And I believe that we have traveled lifetimes together, but that realization did nothing but terrify me. He was always okay with it. And when they moved last year to Nashville, I said, "I'll come and visit!" and he said, "no you won' barely visited when we were 20 minutes away". And he smiled, because he knows it doesn't mean anything about what they mean to only means that I am me, and I can only take so much closeness. I miss him for knowing that. And being okay with it.

Relationships are about relating. And I think I suck at that. I am sociable, I can be light and fun and airy. It's such a fragment of me. The real me blurs everything. Hears everything. Processes everything. And keeps everything at bay. Johnathon scared me, because he came close without ever moving and he grew to know me without ever asking too many questions. And he snuck up on me, and it was only in the way I left him feeling too revealed, too lamplit that cautioned me to steer clear of him most of the time.

I hope I am changing Jon. I know that you've always believed that I could. YOu never said it, but it was there every time you invited me over (twice in two months!), and hoped that I would say yes, and not cancel later.

This movie made me think of you. It was about good friends, and coming clean with yourself. I hope Nashville is treating you fine. And that if you ever trip across this blog, you can read between the lines to see what a gift you are to me.

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