It's funny how when you feel like you are getting to a better place in life...there's always that eerie feeling in your stomach that it's just not true. I guess that most of us are fatalists by nature. Not to sound morose, but society seems to educate us in expecting the worse. First there was Eve, who made the wrong choice and doomed us all for eternity...or that's what they say. Then, Jesus walking around trying to convince everyone to cool it, love one another and just "be"...but he was hanged, well and not even that...nailed to a tree that became a cross. Holding significant meaning for those of us since because well, we use them to remember what happened to a really decent guy a long time ago. Since then, we've loved Kennedy who didn't live through a bullet, Diana who never had a prayer, and odd others that just couldn't make the cut. So, it's probably normal that just when I begin to feel good about things...that eerie shift inside me gets active. This not to say that I believe I will die....I'm not that important. I'll probably live endlessly. There's a dog cat and rabbit who seem to love me...but other than that, I would hardly be missed. It's that I do fear the bottom will fall out. And then what happens? Well, things go back to where they were, or they get worse. And I suspect that I should just be hopeful that things will continue to be better. I have done a lot of bad time. I'm just not sure I've done my share. Some people have a huge dose, while others get by with way less. I don't know what's fair? Or when I'm even? And of course, worrying about it is useless because what will that do?
I guess I feel like if I worry over it, God will know that I am so appreciative of a good run that I am already fearing its demise. But, being all-knowing, God gets this already. I listened to Wayne Dyer on the way back from DC...the power of intention. And dangit, he's right...I just know it. But, it's really hard for me to believe the best about me. I watch other folks do it just fine (well, they seem to do it with ease...but we're all actors). I cannot seem to grasp the concept. And I know that faith is not about seeing to believe. And I am faithful. But, I think I am faithful about the wrong things. Not the "wrong things", but just not all the right ones. I am faithful that I won't get more than I can handle. I am faithful that I can endure hardship and that I can learn from it. I am faithful that things happen for a reason. But, I am not faithful that my life has purpose and I am not faithful that my life is loved, and I am not faithful that the world needs me in it. All those positives are really difficult for me to swallow.
I wonder if other people struggle with this and I wonder how they get past it. I wonder if they become content with the suspicion (that the bottom will fall out) or if they learn to be faithful about hope and a good outcome. I wonder how intention forms in a soul that has not harbored it before. It's probably something that sounds hard, like discipline. It's probably something that seems impossible, like meditation. It's probably something that I can't imagine, like harmony with the options. But, if anybody has found an answer for themselves, I'd welcome the sound of it.