It's been a hard day. One of those where I cannot wait to get out of work, but feel guilty leaving. I don't want to compare myself to one more person and fail miserably at being as good, as beneficial, as competent as the other. I have to get over that mess, I know it. But, damn it is so difficult for me. Sometimes everything about me stinks. I mean I feel like I am waving a flag that says loser sometimes. And yet, here's my reality...I prefer the losers. The folks who seem to have it together give me the heebie jeebies. Unfortunately I work with most of that population. And I fall short, not literally because at 5'11", I am as tall as most and taller than some. I fall short in the have it together, I'm so smart, pretty, engaging, fluttery, and mysterious categories of existence. And I hate feeling that way.
The second thing I hate is writing this. I'd rather write about the things that I am thankful for...but some days, I just feel like I want to claw the walls down to escape EVERYTHING. My own skin. As invested as I can feel in that emotion, not once have I been able to part the seams and be gone. I guess that's the afterlife. But, damned if sometimes I have no idea how to get there. I am stuck in this figurethisshitout life and just plain raw with it sometimes.
I think that I forget how to be in my own realm sometimes. That probably sounds crazy, but it's the best way that I can explain it. I just move forward on automachine a lot of the time...because frankly, I can often barely stand to be in the middle of everything. And my job is the middle of everything. So, I zone out and I do it. But, somewhere in that process I lose myself completely. And it's almost like I wake up scared and wired wondering where I have gotten to and why there are all these people around me.
I don't know. I'm good at it. Good at doing what I have to do. Good at denying my internal dialogue and joining the crowd when necessary. I think I just take it too far, stay at it too long or something. I'm so different from the people around me. I know that we all are, but some of us are better at faking it.
And unlike Sally in her fateful scene across from Mr. Crystal...today was not my best performance.