I rode my new bike today on the dirt road. It's more hilly than when I walk it, and tough uphill to the fudge factory. This should be my inspiration, but I can honestly tell you that I have been there twice in my life and that was to buy a friend goodies. I'm not so into the stuff myself.
I love right now that even 80 degrees feels cool and spring-like. I love that 48 this evening was just enough for a jacket as I whizzed past the stream, the church, the black cow grazing. I love that the tree frogs are singing nightly as dusk falls and turns the fields green blue. I love the silence, and sometimes the voices far away, enjoying the evening as much as I do, but not with me.
I stand back from life a good bit. And I often wonder if that's okay. Because I truly love the people that I love, but I don't say it all the time. I am quiet about it. There are times when thoughts of certain people just make me so joyful and I feel everything that they mean to me. And other times when I am so far from that. And I don't want that to be because I am afraid, or too cautious. If it is because I am me, that that will be fine thank you. But, if it is because I am not doing the work I need to, then I am disappointed in me. I can't yet get to the bottom of it. And the other part of this is that it's so damn difficult to understand why anyone does anything for me. And I feel guilt, huge overwhelming guilt about it. So, there is some lack of deserving there. And I am sure that's all tied together.
Is it really okay to be yourself, and what are the conditions?