Monday, April 28, 2008

So, what comes around...

I rode my new bike today on the dirt road. It's more hilly than when I walk it, and tough uphill to the fudge factory. This should be my inspiration, but I can honestly tell you that I have been there twice in my life and that was to buy a friend goodies. I'm not so into the stuff myself.

I love right now that even 80 degrees feels cool and spring-like. I love that 48 this evening was just enough for a jacket as I whizzed past the stream, the church, the black cow grazing. I love that the tree frogs are singing nightly as dusk falls and turns the fields green blue. I love the silence, and sometimes the voices far away, enjoying the evening as much as I do, but not with me.

I stand back from life a good bit. And I often wonder if that's okay. Because I truly love the people that I love, but I don't say it all the time. I am quiet about it. There are times when thoughts of certain people just make me so joyful and I feel everything that they mean to me. And other times when I am so far from that. And I don't want that to be because I am afraid, or too cautious. If it is because I am me, that that will be fine thank you. But, if it is because I am not doing the work I need to, then I am disappointed in me. I can't yet get to the bottom of it. And the other part of this is that it's so damn difficult to understand why anyone does anything for me. And I feel guilt, huge overwhelming guilt about it. So, there is some lack of deserving there. And I am sure that's all tied together.

Is it really okay to be yourself, and what are the conditions?

5 comments:

Michael said...

It better be okay. I'm not qualified to play anyone else.

I know what you mean to a degree that disturbs me a little bit. I try hard to tell those that I care about how I feel. But can you tell them enough? Can you tell them too much?

I have never felt worthy of affection, and I don't know where that feeling comes from.

k said...

Thanks for walking that line with me. Maybe we'll figure it out one of these days.

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

I, too, am not that into fudge but dare I say if there was a fudge factory up the road....I am almost certain you would find me naked covered in fudge at 2:oo am on some weekend morning after a bender.

k said...

Obsessed - another reason why you must at some point watch "chocolat" the movie. YOu are so good to make me laugh!

Leslie Shelor said...

It is so OK to be yourself, adn the older I get the easier it is for me. I love just standing back watching as well; how do people know what's going on if they don't take a step back and take a look once in awhile.