Sometimes I want to put my ear to the ground and see what MOther EArth is telling me. It's always at inopportune times, because I would do it in my yard, or the dirt road, or a nearby field or hollow. But, it usually occurs to me just as the crowd enters the room, or as someone asks me a question that I have no clue how to answer because I realize that it means one thing to the questioner and something totally different to me. It's those times, that I want to lay my head against the concrete and listen for the breathful answer of God, or Mother Nature or the Grand PoohBah. It's realizing that I cannot do that (without A. being frowned upon or B. having to explain myself) that makes me buy back into the mainstream moment. And that is exactly where I don't want to be. Or want to be less. Because let's face it...one must liver (that was a faux pas, but now I kinda like it) there for most of life. So, less. I want less liver and more life.
Of course, I don't know where that puts me. Because there are times when I could stand the liver for a while....just to put something different in my head, jostle thoughts that have grown stagnant, or step out of my box. Someone said to me today..."you are just.................too reserved." I've always thought "careful" but that's the sweet answer. Reserved also means cold, also means stone-like, also means aloof. And this person didn't mean it the way she said it...but again, I see it the way it falls out of the parted lips, ready to be an insult but unwilling to cause pain.
YOu cannot explain yourself in a couple minutes and maybe you can never explain yourself...which is why a load of folks believe that you don't have to. And I haven't reconciled that yet. When someone gives me their thoughts on my behavior, and they aren't being angry, or judgemental or coercive...I feel like I owe them credibility. It was a true enough statement from someone who doesn't suffer my weakness with small talk, common language (meaning common in terms of general, not common in terms of banal) or fear of people. But, it gave me a composite from someone who was paying attention, and I take it to heart in the most thankful way. Because it seems true that the way the world is anymore...we barely see one another, much less offer tidbits of advice. And this person did not offer advice (had she of done so, I may have discounted her comment completely)...she just pointed something out. I'll overthink it TO BE SURE, because I do that type thing. But that sliver of insight has been fodder for the evening muse.